Monday, November 24, 2014

Recap: Avengers Assemble "Avengers: Impossible"

I've seen horrors. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and mortal terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared.

The horror... The horror....
This is the day I have dreaded for what feels like an eternity. If you are reading this Recap, then I have somehow survived the process of writing it. I don't know how. Let's just get this over with.

Is this my punishment for saying that the monster attacking the Great Wall of China at the end of the premiere was the one at the beginning of "Depth Charge"? I'm sorry! I didn't know! Forgive me!
This particular piece of episode opens up with Falcon leading the Avengers against the super strong bruisers known as the Wrecking Crew. Well, I say "leading." He tells them to go fight while he gets the rubberneckers out of harm's way. Yes, you may have already predicted that Falcon spends the episode wishing for recognition and eventually learns that it's not about the glory. So, basically, it's a Booster Gold episode.

It's a pretty routine fight, and the Avengers handily take the Crew down, while everyone but Falcon is admired by the crowd. But while all this is happening, someone else has been admiring Falcon. And I shudder. The Hulk eats a piece of paper that a fan wanted him to sign. How I envy his ignorance. Captain America consoles Falcon.

Captain America: "Being an Avenger isn't about recognition, son. We do this work because it's right."

As Cap rejoins the A-List Avengers, Falcon spots a little green man behind him. In this episode, Impossible Man fancies himself a director, and gives instructions to the team.

Impossible Man: "Bowman! Don't mumble. Gorilla-Verde. Smile! Can Man, Thunder-Bore. Two words. Back ground. Widow. Perfect! Now give me less."

Okay, his comment to Black Widow was funny. No one was more surprised than me. Although, what with Black Widow getting the shaft repeatedly in this series, "Give me less" might be the standing order for the character. I... Wait. "Gorilla-Verde." Verde is Spanish for "green." Vista means "view." Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. takes place is Vista Verde. "View of Green." That bilingual joke has just reached over from the premiere of HatAoS and slapped me in the soul from across time and space. Impossible Man has just hurt my soul transcendentally.

Anyway, Impossible Man snaps his fingers and gives the Wrecking Crew their second wind. Roll intro. Impossible Man gleefully films the resulting fight between Falcon and the Crew, all the while using his powers to cage the other Avengers. Iron Man scans the little twerp and identifies him to the others.

Hulk: "I've seen this pipsqueak before. Hard to smash."

"You've already ruined one show I was on, Impy!"
So, wait.

Hulk is obviously referring to the Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. episode "Mission Impossible Man." But in that episode, Hulk hints that he had previously encountered him in this episode! So... which happened first? What's the order?

Space is warped and time is bendable!
But before Reapers or Langoliers can come out and eat the paradox, Hulk uses one of those footstomp shock waves to knock over the Impossible Man, breaking his concentration and making the cage disappear. He takes every attack the Avengers throw at him and goes back to filming, hyping up the third act's alien invasion.

More fighting all around, Falcon takes out the Wrecking Crew solo, and Hulk breaks Impy's camera. They take the nudnik back to the tower and interrogate him. He claims that he's here to chronicle the rise of Earth's greatest hero, Falcon. Cough. Bat-Mite.


Captain America: "You said an alien invasion is heading for Earth. These are more of your kind?"
Impossible Man: "Ha, ha, don't be silly. There's no one else like me in the whole universe!"  

Thank the Great Green Arkleseisure for that.
More interrogating, Black Widow gets a line for the second time this episode, Impy teleports away, and Black Widow gets a third line.

Black Widow: "Finding him now will be impossible."

Impossible Man turns Iron Man's arc reactor into a movie projector, and uses it to summon Attuma, the Atlantean Warlord, apropos of nothing. A fight ensues, Impy literally magics the show into a cheap sitcom for a gag (I'm gagging, alright), and they try to get a handle on the upcoming invasion. Falcon, meanwhile tries to explain to Impy that he's not funny. So, because comedy comes in threes, he summons Ulik the troll, some Wendigoes, and the Midgard Serpent. Great, even in a non-Asgardian episode, the Midgard Serpent is making yet another appearance.

More fighting, and Black Widow sneaks up behind Impy and tries to choke him out. No joke. I may have fallen in love. Falcon gives the speech about heroism for the sake of heroism to Impossible Man, and Impy acquiesces for the sake of his "star." But we're not done yet. As it turns out, Impossible Man's not behind the alien invasion. Rather, he made them angry and they've been following him to Earth to attack him.

No jury would convict them. Not a one.
Anyway, the Avengers will have to defeat the Chitauri, just like in the Avengers film. Why, there's even a giant portal in the sky! Is this an homage meant to metafictionally tie in previous events to Impy's artistic endeavors? Or is this just copying and pasting plot points while masquerading as homage? (Here's a hint: It's not the first one.)

Fighting ensues. Falcon gets the nifty idea to convince Impy to change into a missile (by playing to his ego), and Impy re-enacts the end of the film in the place of Iron Man while Thor whirlwinds the aliens back into the portal. Big kaboom, and the day be all saved and junk. Falcon learned his lesson about humility, Impy survived, and the credits roll... With all the credits going to Impossible Man. Except for "Assistant to Mr. Man."

At the end of these credits, we get the worst promise ever.

"Impossible Man will return."

Then a post-credits scene.

Impossible Man: "What is shawarma, anyway?"

And... It's over. I made it. I beat it. And I can now delete it from the DVR. I should probably put a crucifix or two on top, too. I'm not taking any chances with whatever bad hoodoo emanates from this episode. Maybe a Mogein Dovid, too. Just to be safe. And some incense. Actually, I'll just set the DVR on fire. Then take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Go ahead and read the Review while I look into renting a nuke.


  1. Won't Mojo be angry that Impossible Man is stealing his schtick?

    1. Apparently not; he shows up in a few episodes' time.