Recap: Goosebumps "Be Careful What You Wish For"

R.L. Stine is often written off as somebody who writes nothing but kiddie monster stories with nonsensical twist endings. But I think it's important to keep in mind that the man can branch out if he ever wants to. I mean, we are talking about Jovial Bob Stine, the author of 101 Vacation Jokes, here.

Today, I'll be covering the first episode of Goosebumps's second season, which adapts a book that, had it not been printed as a Goosebumps book, might be found in the "young adult magical realism fantasy" section of the library, rather than the "children's horror short story anthology series" section.

It's a very precise library.

The episode begins with some middle school girls running drills at basketball practice. And like all middle school basketball practices, there's always that one kid who has to show off by doing that ball-behind-the-back move. You know the move. This showoff is named Judith (Susan Cooke). She makes her basket, so the ball goes to Samantha Byrd (Melody Johnson), a rather unfortunately-named girl, since her awkward teenage years have temporarily given her the proportions of a stork. Still, that height probably guaranteed a spot on the team, despite tanking her dexterity stat.

When the ball gets to her, she trips while trying to grab onto it, falling flat on her face and eliciting the standard joke from Judith.

Judith: "Have a nice trip, Byrd?"

But the coach tells Samantha to get back up and keep going.

Coach: "You're a natural, Samantha!"

No, she's just tall. I know how high school coaches think.

Samantha: "A natural klutz."

Coach: "Now, that's enough of that. Come on, Byrd. You're my tallest player; I need you on my team."

Hey, at least Coach here is honest.

Drills continue as Samantha's pal, Cory (Robin Weekes), offers some encouragement, but Samantha seems to be pretty bad at most parts of basketball. Catching the ball, throwing the ball, holding the ball.... She runs to get the ball when she fails to catch it, giving us our first inevitable bird joke from Judith.

Judith: "Why don't you fly away, Byrd? Take off! Give the team a chance."

Really? "Fly away"? So Judith is mean, but she makes up for that by not being clever.

But Samantha doesn't hear her words; she's more preoccupied with the strange amulet she just picked up off the ground. She puts it on, probably hoping that this is one of those magical amulets that improves your stats. But instead of getting a much-needed DEX boost, she only gets to watch as a couple of jerks in the corner play keep-away with the basketball she went to retrieve. And then one of the kids decides to be an even bigger jerk and tosses the ball up into some ropes. I think we all knew a kid who "accidentally" did that during gym class just to be a smart-aleck, right?

Samantha climbs up to get it, but gets her foot stuck in one of those... um.... loop things. You know, the ones gymnasts do their gymnasting in. Sorry, it's been a few years since I've taken a middle school gym class.

Luckily for Samantha, Cory slips a gym mat underneath her to catch her when she lands, and the coach starts trying to calm down Sam in a way that sounds like she's trying to avoid a lawsuit.

Coach: "Sam, it's okay. Just relax. I know you're scared, just try to breathe. You just had the wind knocked out of you."

"The important thing to keep in mind is that you are not severely injured and I am not liable for your actions.
I'm going to hand you a form, now. If you could just sign it...."

Judith: "For a moment there, I thought the Byrd was really gonna do it."

....Do what?

Girl: "Do what?"

Yeah, exactly.

Judith: "Fly away."

Judith, stop trying to make "Fly away" happen. It's not going to happen.

Judith: "Bird-girl cleared for takeoff!"

I think your mixing your metaphors there. Is she a bird or a plane?

"She certainly ain't Supergirl."

See, Judith, that's the level of wordplay I want to see. Take notes.

Samantha apparently ends up fine, since we then cut to the lunchroom, where she sits with Cory as Judith joins the other Plastics.

Samantha: "Wanna help me strangle Judith?"

Well, this episode seems to be taking a turn.

Cory: "Bad idea."

Samantha: "Why?"

"Because this show's rated TV-Y7."

Samantha: "Give me one good reason."

Cory: "Your basketball team will never win another game."

Also, can we all just note that an episode of Goosebumps made a murder joke? Not, like, a werewolf attack joke, or a joke about getting eaten alive by a blob monster, but a straight-up joke about threatening to murder somebody?

....Actually, it becomes less surprising when you consider all the Goosebumps protagonists who end up committing murder to save the day. Which, by the way, does not solve problems in real life. Don't murder. The more you know.

Anyway, Samantha can't help but wonder why, out of all the girls, Judith picks on her.

Samantha: "I did nothing to her."

But there are no answers. And sometimes, that's just life. And all you can do is eat your sandwich while trying not to overhear the bully gossiping about you from one table over.

Plastic: "The Bird actually tried to fly today."

Judith: "She's as clumsy at flying as she is at basketball."

Samantha tries to defend herself through a mouthful of sandwich, but only ends up giving the Plastics a new reason to make fun of her. Samantha tries to run off, but only manages to run into a lunch lady. Cue the entire cafeteria laughing at her, even though not everybody actually saw her collide with the lunch lady. And I don't think all the kids can actually see her on the floor.

There's got to be a couple kids in the back who have no idea what's going on and are just trying to continue their debate regarding whether one of them actually moved the truck by the S.S. Anne and caught a Mew.

But the end of the day comes soon enough, letting Samantha collide with another woman (Ellen-Ray Hennessy).

This time, Sam runs into a 1920s flapper. Like you do.

Samantha says she's sore-y and helps the woman put the corncobs and eggs back into her purse. And for some reason, she doesn't seem to question why this woman is carrying around corncobs and eggs. Although she doesn't really have the chance to do so before the Flapper notices the necklace that Samantha never dropped off at the lost-and-found, like she should have.

Flapper: "I have been looking all over for this."

Okay. But... how did it end up in a middle school gym? I think that's a reasonable question.

Flapper: "Isn't it amazing how lost objects... they find their way to strange places?"

I'm calling it now. You're some kind of mentor figure who planted that in a place where Sam would find it, because you were following her and decided that she needed your help to become a more well-rounded person. You can't fool me. That's how these things work.

Samantha hands it over, and the Flapper asks for some additional assistance with getting to Moss Avenue. It's on the other side of town, but Samantha is convinced to take this strange lady there by a simple "please."

Samantha: "Sure, I guess it's not that far."

Oh, come on, Sam. Weren't you paying attention to the videos they show you in, like, third grade? This is textbook "What Not to Do Around Strangers"!

Samantha and the woman (named Clarissa) introduce themselves to each other as they head off, and they make it to Clarissa's destination in the space of a single cut. Said destination being some kind of dilapidated stone structure. Sam tries to leave, having done her good deed for the day, but Clarissa wants to give this nice young lady a gift.

Flapper: "Most young people wouldn't be so kind."

And that's because most young people actually remember the words "Stranger danger." 

Clarissa: "I shall grant you... three wishes."

I think this is the moment where Sam realizes that she just followed a crazy stranger to an isolated location.

Samantha: "Uh, sure. I mean, that's really cool. But I don't have any wishes right now. I've gotta go."

Clarissa doesn't even debate the point. If Sam has to leave, then she has to leave. But she still gets her three wishes.

Clarissa: "Make your first wish."

Samantha: "Uh, okay. I wish I was the best player on the basketball team."

And seeing as how this episode is called "Be Careful What You Wish For," Sam will either do some kind of Freaky Friday-type body swap with the best player, or the rest of the team will suddenly suck at basketball.

Before Sam can finally get away from this crazy lady, Clarissa also hands over the necklace Samantha found earlier as an additional gift. And probably the source of the magic that'll be granting Sam's wish.

It's glowy. Glowy means magic.

Clarissa promises that Sam's wish will come true, wish is the cue to cut to the basketball game. Sam and the other Mustangs are filled with gumption, and drive, and 110%, and... I don't know, Gatorade. But there seems to be a problem as they play against the other team.

They suck.

And I'm going to assume that this is a new development, since Coach wants to know why the team is struggling during the halftime huddle. And honestly, the girls simply don't feel well. Except for Samantha, that is. And that's why she manages to be the only girl on the team to actually score a point.

After the game, Samantha walks through the halls, dejected and confused, but Clarissa appears in a flurry of feathers from around a corner, happy as can be. After all, Samantha's wish came true!

Samantha: "I was the best, alright, because everyone else was terrible."

And considering that Samantha got turned around and nearly made a shot into the wrong basket, that magic necklace had its work cut out for it.

Clarissa: "Well, wishes are complicated. Magic isn't an exact science, you know!"

Hmmm... interesting. I wrote an essay saying otherwise, but this episode seems to operate under the idea that a wish, when spoken allowed, is fulfilled to the letter... while disregarding the intent of the wisher.

Basically, the magic gem seems to be ballparking these wishes.

Although, if the magic necklace continually misinterprets her wishes along the same lines, or for the same reasons (Could Clarissa be screwing up the wishes on purpose?), then that would seem to lay the groundwork for some kind of actual rules governing magic, as random and chaotic as it may seem to be.

Perhaps misinterpreting wishes is the magical equivalent of having Siri misunderstand you?

You understand that, but the word "shovel" eludes your ability to process my speech, Siri?

But Clarissa refuses to accept any blame as she explains it all to Samantha.

Clarissa: "The next time... you must be very careful what you wish for. And very clear... how you phrase it."

Clarissa is itchin' to grant another wish, but Samantha would rather get out of there. Which is probably for the best; these sorts of wishes require a lot of thinking and planning. Personally, I would go home and work all night on drafting my second wish to make sure there were no loopholes.

"I wish for one million dollars in unmarked, valid, legal American hundred-dollar-bills to appear between my bed and the floor beneath my bed tonight while I sleep. Specifically, the money I wish for has not been stolen, is not counterfeit, and nobody will think it out of the ordinary that I have this money, which I shall use as I see fit with no unfortunate and/or ironic consequences for myself or anybody else. Furthermore, this money, once it has appeared, will stay in existence as unmarked, valid, legal American hundred-dollar-bills and will stay in my possession until such time as I see fit to spend them, and neither I nor anyone I care about will be made a target by nor the fact that I own such a large amount of money, nor anything else I plan on doing with it."

And then I would workshop that mess by asking everyone I knew if they saw any problems with that wish.

But Sam apparently does no such thing. The next day, she explains the situation to Cory in the stairwell, only for Judith to open a door in Samantha's face and play the blame game.

Judith: "It's your fault we lost yesterday."

Actually, Judith has a point. They might have won if it hadn't been for Samantha's wish. Not that Judith knows that, obviously.

Cory: "I didn't see you two making any great plays."

Judith: "That's because we spent our time covering for Bird-brain over here."

So Samantha has herself a minor freakout and a major slip of the tongue.

Samantha: "I wish everyone would just buzz off!"

And as you might expect, everybody turns into flies. Not in a horrifying Brundlefly way, but a simple POOF, and they're all insects, played by cartoon dots or actual flies, depending on the shot.

Huh. Maybe they could have made "Why I'm Afraid of Bees," despite what I said in my "The House of No Return" Review.

And so, Samantha is forced to run through the school in search of anybody... but finding only flies. And it just kind of goes on like that for a while as she wanders through town and is forced to look upon that which she has wrought. But the wish didn't affect one person: Clarissa. She's in Sam's house, about to eat one of the flies that used to be one of her parents, but Sam quickly stops her.

Once again, though, Clarissa blames Samantha for not thinking her wish through.

Clarissa: "I'm not a mind reader."

"I mean, what do think I am, magic?"

Samantha: "But what good is a wish if it always backfires?"

Well, in my DM experience, any D&D player worth their salt would find a way to weaponize it. I knew a guy who was more than happy to get a venomous bite from a cursed bag every time he opened it up because one of the other players was a kleptomaniac. This was not the same guy who played as a cursed chicken, by the way.

Clarissa: "They don't always backfire!"

Well, you're 0-for-2 at the moment.

But Samantha still has one more wish. And if she's smart, she'll use it to undo her last two wishes. But since there's eight more minutes left in the episode, I guess she won't be smart.

Not for lack of trying, though. She does take a few hours to think it over.

Samantha: "I wish everything to go back to normal..."

Good so far.

Samantha: "...the way it was before the flies..."

Which leaves you open for Clarissa interpreting this as "reverse time until the point before flies even evolved," but you've still got a chance.

Samantha: "...except I want Judith to be my friend."

Well.... 

Samantha: "No, wait! I want Judith to think I'm the greatest."

Dang it, you're screwing yourself over, Sam!

But in a flash, things are as they were. Nearly. All the flies are back to normal, but Samantha gets a phone call from Judith. The next day, they arrive at school in matching outfits, so I can only imagine that they coordinated their wardrobes over the phone the night before. Apparently, Judith took the liberty of decorating Sam's space in the locker room and doing her own hair to match Sam's.

And apparently also putting ups signs underneath other student's spaces. Rude.

The coach comes in to tell them to get dressed and hustle up, shaking her head at Judith's sudden change of heart as she leaves. Judith hands a freshly-cleaned uniform to Sam, which confuses the heck out of Judith's usual partner in crime.

"Think, McFly, think!"

During practice, Judith wants some hot tips from Samantha, despite Judith being the best player on the team already. And at lunch, she wants to eat whatever Sam is having in the lunchroom. And she wants to know where Sam got her shoes.

Cory take note of Judith's out-of-character behavior and decides to play along.

Cory: "Have you ever noticed how Sam has the coolest colored pencils?"

I can only assume she has the ones with a different color at each end.

Cory: "She can do so much with your eight basic colors."

Judith agrees wholeheartedly, so Cory wants to discuss this privately with Sam. But Judith makes sure to try and set a time to hang out tonight before she leaves them to it.

Samantha begins to explain her magic wish to Cory, but ends up making up a lame excuse regarding why Judith likes her now. Which makes little sense, since she already told Cory about the magic wishes. Unless that was undone by her third wish, but I don't think that was part of the magical reset button.

But all things considered, Samantha isn't too thrilled with the new status quo, especially since Judith ends up filling Samantha's answering machine with "I guess I'll call back when you're there" all afternoon.

But that night, as Samantha gets under her covers to go to sleep, Judith pops out of her closet, having stayed in there all evening waiting for her like a sane person.

Samantha's mom tells her from the other room that she's not supposed to be on the phone, since she assumes that's why Sam's talking, and Judith takes the moment to check Sam's hair and adjust her hairstyle accordingly.

"If I wore your skin, we would never have to be apart."

I don't know how this particular situation gets resolved, but the next day, Judith meets Sam at her door, and the day begins for Sam and her new bestest buddy in the whole wide world. And Sam is not looking forward to it.

No matter what Sam does, she can't escape her new pal... which is when she bumps into Clarissa again.

Clarissa: "I know, I know. You're still unhappy.'"

Sam blurts out that she wishes she never met Clarissa, so Clarissa makes a deal.

Clarissa: "If that is what you desire, I will cancel your last wish and give you another chance."

So much for "three wishes."

Samantha: "I wish I'd never met you. I wish you'd met Judith instead."

There you go, Samantha. Now you're thinking like a D&D player!

And so, the wish is granted as Clarissa calls Judith over to give her the magic necklace.

Samantha: "So, you know what you're gonna wish for?"

Judith: "What are you doing here, Byrd? Lose your compass on your migration?"

Samantha: "She's back...."

For her first wish, Judith wishes that wherever she was, people would gather around her and admire her.

"Kid, you're not even trying to make it hard for me to add an ironic twist."

And it soon becomes her only wish as Clarissa turns her into a CG statue.

The fact that it doesn't really cast a proper shadow is a bit of a giveaway.

And as a crow lands on Judith's stone head, the episode ends.

Hmmm.... This ending seems to be missing something.

I know what it is!

"Samantha Byrd is many things. Student. Basketball player.
And now perhaps a bit wiser after her walk to Moss Avenue with a stranger.
A walk which took a short detour..."

"...through the Twilight Zone."

There we go. Now let's review.