Review: Goosebumps "The House of No Return"

Alright, this might have been a slow-paced episode packed to the brim with unclear protagonists which resorts to filler instead of plot, but...

....

Oh, crap, I think I just used up everything I had to say about this episode.

Plot/Themes

Three kids bully a kid who's craftier than they are and get an ironic comeuppance.

.....

Okay, let's pause for a second.

It's not really worth examining this episode any farther than what I've done in the Recap.

The plot is paper-thin, the characters are one-dimensional, and the running time is filled with padding, since most of the "action" consists of the characters waiting. I'm all for building atmosphere, but this episode tries to use atmosphere as a crutch.

And as I mentioned in the Recap, this is because this episode was adapted from the first tale in the first of the "Tales to Give You Goosebumps" series of short stories, which explains why the episode has such little meat on it.

Except... that's really no excuse.

"Teacher's Pet," "Strained Peas," "Don't Wake Mummy," "Perfect School," "An Old Story," "Awesome Ants," "Click," and even "The Haunted House Game" were based on short stories. And out of all those examples, only "The Haunted House Game" is as padded-out as this episode is, while "Perfect School" manages to get a two-parter out of the deal without depending too much on filler.

So there's really no excuse for this episode to be 90% padding.

Or is there? Let's put ourselves in the position of the writers.

How could you possibly add more plot to this thing? Even if you replace the slow scenes of nothing happening with character interaction scenes, those character interaction scenes are still probably going to be superfluous to the plot.

Except... here's the thing. The backstory of the house? The scene with Nathan and the five dollar bill? Both were added to the story by Dan Angel, the man who adapted the short story to TV.

They successfully added depth to the episode's lore... well, some depth to it. The ghosts are officially still called "Ghost of a Man" and "Ghost of a Woman." But either way, they added depth to the original story... and still had to resort to a buttload of padding in the end.

So how do you take a story so simple and stretch it out to fill a half-hour show?

The most pragmatic answer would be "You don't." This episode didn't have to be made; there were plenty of other books that could have been adapted. But then why was this one chosen at all?

Obviously, the writer didn't want to take the story in a new direction. You can tell because that's exactly what he didn't do.

Was this one chosen because it looked like it would be easy to bring to life on their meager TV budget? Were they running out of other books to adapt?

If I had to guess, I would say that was probably it. They had already adapted a great deal many books by this point, and some Goosebumps would either be hard to do or were simply unadaptable.

"Night of the Living Dummy I" was out of the question, since its twist ending (That Slappy the Dummy was alive) was ruined by Slappy's presence in "Night of the Living Dummy II," which was adapted. "The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb" was similarly pre-empted by the adaptation of "The Return of the Mummy."

"Why I'm Afraid of Bees" would have been difficult, but not impossible, to pull off effects-wise, since most of the episode focuses on a bee with the mind of a boy.

The "Monster Blood" sequels would all be similar and effects-heavy, which explains why the show limited itself to a single two-parter.

"The Horror at Camp Jellyjam" would be doable as long as they had the budget for a giant slime monster.

Then again, this was the blob monster the show did give us.
So I'd say the lack of blob monster episodes is a good thing.

"The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena" could have worked, but they'd have to get a white bigfoot costume, which would probably be a custom job. A custom job that would be very hard to keep clean. And I don't think the costume would get the same mileage as the Haunted Masks, or the werewolf outfits.

"Egg Monsters from Mars" would run into issues bringing its titular aliens to life for the same reason as "The Horror at Camp Jellyjam."

"Legend of the Lost Legend" would be doable. Forest filming was a bit of a specialty for this show, what with it being a Canadian production and all.

"How I Learned to Fly" might a bit too much like "young adult fantasy" as opposed to "horror" in regards to the show's tone... but I guess they did end up adapting "Be Careful What You Wish For."

"Chicken, Chicken" would be doable, if they had the budget for facial prosthetics. And chickens.

"The Curse of Camp Cold Lake" could be done easily, as could "Ghost Camp."

"The Beast from the East" might have too many monster costumes to be practical.

"Beware, the Snowman" could have worked, unless fake snow is prohibitively expensive.

I would have liked to see an adaptation of "The Haunted School," which simply needs monochrome film and the ability to colorize specific items, since the story is about two kids caught in a monochrome dimension.

"I Live in Your Basement!" could have easily been adapted, since it's mostly about phone calls and creepy atmosphere.

The first "Deep Trouble" book (the show adapts the second) could be done, but it probably was best to avoid comparisons with the better mermaid story Disney came up with.

My point is this: This short story did not have to be adapted. There are several unadapted stories that could have been more interesting and nearly as cheap to make, even without resorting to the anthology short stories.

And on top of all that, there was even a three-part episode that delivered an original story. It wasn't set in stone that they had to adapt the books.

And I doubt that anyone working on this particular episode had some sort of passion for the original short story here, because you'd think that would translate to more effort into adapting it without resorting to padding.

Or I might be completely wrong, and perhaps one of the producers really liked the idea of a slower episode that focuses more on creating an atmosphere, and the director missed the mark and resorted to pure padding. I don't know.

Barking Dogs: Yes

Perhaps I should start discounting unseen dogs that are only there to provide background noise, but whatever. There's a barking dog.

Boring Best Friend: ?

They're all pretty uninteresting, and I don't know if anyone involved can be called a "best friend."

Child Grabbing: Yes

Not only do the members of Danger Incorporated grab Chris, but it looks like the ghosts were reaching toward their new guests in the end.

Foliage POV Cam: No

Unless there's some foliage inside the house.

Mad Scientist: No

Murder: None Onscreen

Red Paint: No

Werewolves: No

X-Files Shout-Out: No

Final Thoughts

Slow, boring, and mostly shot with a blue day-for-night filter that makes everything look less interesting.

Next time...

Truth is stranger than fiction.

That's reality.

Nothing so strange as fiction.

That's reality.

My agent's on the job.

That's reality.

Life is on a roll.

That's reality.

See you then!