Review, Part 2: Ultimate Spider-Man "Halloween Night at the Museum"

As a crossover, this episode was absolutely terrible. It fails logically, logistically, it fails in its purpose, it just fails all around. And yes, to make sure you know this isn't just hyperbole, I will be listing all the myriad failures. But first, some unfinished business.

Hey! Peanut gallery! You still there?

"Just me. The mouse left."

Whatever, I've got more important questions. Namely, what's with the Spider-Man/Jessie crossover, Disney?

"What's the point of owning every franchise if you can't do stuff like this?"

But... crossovers are supposed to leech off the popularity of one thing for the benefit of another. Between a lukewarmly-received Spider-Man show and a dime-a-dozen Disney sitcom, which show benefits from this, Ultimate Spider-Man or Jessie?

"As long as one of them does. Or neither. I don't really care."

Odd promotions for other shows aside, this was a terrible crossover.

First of all, can you imagine how the cast of Jessie reacted to being told that they were going to be on Ultimate Spider-Man?

"LOL wut?"

Mmmm, that doesn't quite go far enough.

That's the reaction I'd expect.

But credit where credit's due, the cast all apparently had a real good time working on this. Especially Karan Brar. He was absolutely excited to work with Grey Griffin (Morgan le Fay). And you know what? So would I. She's one of my favorite voice actresses. So the actors, at least, are off the hook.

But at the most basic level, this crossover stretches believability. Jessie is a show where the most unbelievable thing is that people are laughing at the dialogue. Of all the shows Disney has right now, why not cross over with the one with the bionic kids? Or the one that takes place at a superhero hospital? I think the crossover has something to do with the Jessie wedding event the same day this aired. Or maybe they just wanted their Jessie demographic to start watching Ultimate Spider-Man.

Ideally for the Disney Channel, this crossover would have the Jessie viewers start tuning into Ultimate Spider-Man, and vice-versa. But the way this episode is written, it would probably only appeal to people who are already a fan of both shows.

Heck, the animated Jessie barely looked like the live-action Jessie! Compare. I mean, Debby Ryan looks like God sculpted her not from clay, but from dimples.

Not a dimple in sight. Way to nail that likeness.

If you want a Disney/Marvel crossover done right, go check out Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel. The fantastical (and animated) world of Phineas and Ferb blends a lot better, and there are some legitimately good moments.

Oh, and there's the elephant in the room. Jessie and Ultimate Spider-Man now exist in the same universe. So every time you watch Jessie (God help you), remember that Spider-Man is swinging around somewhere. But not only that, shows that take place in Jessie's shared universe (the Disney Live-Action Universe), like Wizards of Waverly Place, Mighty Med, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, etc. apparently also take place in the Marvel Animated Universe, logically.

But let's take it a step further. If Girl Meets World is revealed to be in the same universe as Disney's other live-action shows, then that also links the Marvel Animated Universe to Boy Meets World. And from there, that links it into myriad crossovers that include The X-Files, Law and Order (and spinoffs), and Homicide: Life on the Street (all through shared character Detective John Munch).

But wait! There's more! You could connect Ultimate Spider-Man, though Jessie, potentially through Boy Meets World, into St. Elsewhere. You know, the show with the finale that revealed that the entire series, and therefore 90% of live-action TV (thanks to all those crossovers), took place in the head in the head of Tommy Westphall, an autistic child.

Although this would explain Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.

But yes, I will have to watch Avengers Assemble, Ultimate Spider-Man, and Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. knowing that the cast of Jessie is out there somewhere. Thank Galactus that the Marvel live-action films are exempt from this.

"I told you, Col. Prescott, I don't want to join your super-secret boy band."
"No, you're thinking of JONAS."

So what's next for you, Disney?

"A bit of an experimental piece."

Like Fantasia?

"You wish. You know what sells? Attractive teenagers, bad boys, and spin-offs."

...You're not.

"I am. I call it 'Descendants.'"

Coming to the Disney Channel, 2015.

You should show that to the Mouse.

"My thoughts exactly. To me, my minions!"

"We hear and obey, Master."

"And a Happy Halloween to all of you at home."

Happy Halloween, indeed. Be safe, be smart, have fun. And for the love of all that's holy, stay the Hell away from Descendants.

See you next time!