Friday, October 31, 2014

Review, Part 2: Ultimate Spider-Man "Halloween Night at the Museum"

As a crossover, this episode was absolutely terrible. It fails logically, logistically, it fails in its purpose, it just fails all around. And yes, to make sure you know this isn't just hyperbole, I will be listing all the myriad failures. But first, some unfinished business.

Hey! Peanut gallery! You still there?

Where's the rodent?

"He said he was going to skedaddle before you could ask to do a crossover for his upcoming Big Hero 6 review."
Whatever, I've got more important questions. Namely, what's with the crossover, Disney?

"Well, it's a long story that begins with the Unshaved Mouse's review of Snow White...."
I've read his blog, cut to the chase.

"I was forced to sit through Foodfight. In that moment, I realized that I wouldn't truly be a master of animation until I had actually weaponized it."

"Thanks for being my guinea pig."
Walter Elias Disney, you magnificent bastard.

"Look at it this way. Every mistake is an opportunity to learn something. Keep moving forward. You've endured such terrors as "All About the Ego" and emerged with a firsthand understanding of the importance of telling a good story, and telling it well."
Yeah. You're right.

"And now that I've perfected the meaningless crossover, maybe now it can be a shining example of what not to do for countless generations?"
Or maybe you just wanted someone else to suffer after you watched Foodfight.

"A little from column A, a little from column B."
Vengeful animators aside, this was a terrible crossover.

First of all, can you imagine how the cast of Jessie reacted to being told that they were going to be on Ultimate Spider-Man?

"LOL, wut?"
Mmmm, that doesn't quite go far enough.

That's the reaction I'd expect.
But credit where credit's due, the cast all apparently had a real good time working on this. Especially Karan Brar. He was absolutely excited to work with Grey Griffin (Morgan le Fay). And you know what? So would I. She's one of my favorite voice actresses.

These guys are off the hook. The writers, not so much.
But at the most basic level, this crossover stretches believability. Jessie is a show where the most unbelievable thing is that people are laughing at the dialogue. Of all the shows Disney has right now, why not cross over with the one with the bionic kids? Or the one that takes place at a superhero hospital? I think the crossover has something to do with the Jessie wedding event the same day this aired. Or maybe they just wanted their Jessie demographic to start watching Ultimate Spider-Man.

Ideally for the Disney Channel, this crossover would have the Jessie viewers start tuning into Ultimate Spider-Man, and vice-versa. But the way this episode is written, it would probably only appeal to people who are already a fan of both shows.

Heck, the animated Jessie barely looked like the live-action Jessie! Compare.

Debby Ryan looks like God sculpted her not from clay, but from dimples.
Not a dimple in sight. Way to nail that likeness.
If you want a Disney/Marvel crossover done right, go check out Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel. The fantastical (and animated) world of Phineas and Ferb blends a lot better, and there are some legitimately good moments.

Oh, and there's the elephant in the room. Jessie and Ultimate Spider-Man now exist in the same universe. So every time you watch Jessie (God help you), remember that Spider-Man is swinging around somewhere. But not only that, shows that take place in Jessie's shared universe (the Disney Live-Action Universe), like Wizards of Waverly Place, Mighty Med, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, etc. apparently also take place in the Marvel Animated Universe, logically.

But let's take it a step further. If Girl Meets World is revealed to be in the same universe as Disney's other live-action shows, then that also links the Marvel Animated Universe to Boy Meets World. And from there, that links it into myriad crossovers that include The X-Files, Law and Order (and spinoffs), and Homicide: Life on the Street (all through shared character Detective John Munch).

But wait! There's more! You could connect Ultimate Spider-Man, though Jessie, potentially through Boy Meets World, into St. Elsewhere. You know, the show with the finale that revealed that the entire series, and therefore 90% of live-action TV (thanks to all those crossovers), took place in the head in the head of Tommy Westphall, an autistic child.

Although this would explain Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.
But yes, I will have to watch Avengers Assemble, Ultimate Spider-Man, and Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. knowing that the cast of Jessie is out there somewhere. Thank Galactus that the Marvel live-action films are exempt from this.

"I told you, Col. Prescott, I don't want to join your super-secret boy band."
"No, you're thinking of JONAS."
Ugh. I need a drink.

"Starting to sound like the Mouse."
So what's next for you, Disney?

"A bit of an experimental piece."
Like Fantasia?

"You wish. With the Ultimate Spider-Man/Jessie crossover, I figured out how to ruin animation by putting live-action characters in it. And then I thought, what if I used live-action to ruin animation retroactively?"
Are you talking about the Maleficent film? Or the upcoming live-action remakes of your other classics?

"Nope. Check this out; they're the hip, sexy offspring of classic Disney villains. I call it 'Descendants.'"

Coming to the Disney Channel, 2015.
You should show that to the Unshaved Mouse. Give him a good dose of that old-timey Disney terror for Halloween.
"My thoughts exactly. To me, my minions!"

"We hear and obey."

"And a Happy Halloween to all of you at home."
Happy Halloween, indeed. Be safe, be smart, have fun. And for the love of all that's holy, stay the hell away from Descendants.

See you next time!


  1. I will use this section to wonder if Jessie (the series) ever referenced the events of this ep. Because if not, that probably disqualifies this ep from being canon to Jessie.

    1. Why can't it not be canon the other way around? ...Please, Marvel, one line of dialogue about a weird dream Spidey had....

  2. So when's the Marvel/Gravity Falls crossover? I would pay good money for that.

    - That One Anon

    1. I hope Grunkle Stan is opening a portal to the Marvel Universe.

  3. also I did not like Mission Marvel at all so I hope to see your review of it someday.