Well, I've got a license to recap, so let's see whether this episode gives me a quantum of solace or looms like a spectre over my soul.
|That’s right, people, we’ve got us a James Bond homage.|
|Or perhaps an Austin Powers homage.|
|He plays pretend. Our hero.|
Nick Fury: “Now, hold on. You don’t think before you act, you dive in headfirst, you don’t….”
Spider-Man: “You and your rules and lessons. You’re like a fortune cookie! Without the delicious cookie part.”
Now, they each say something valid here.
First of all, fortune cookies are, in fact, delicious. Can’t argue with Spider-Man on that.
Secondly, one of the biggest problems with this show is the fact that not only is Spider-Man, whose whole deal is supposed to be “responsibility,” so irresponsible. And that wouldn’t be so bad, but he never learns from anything he ever does. And part of that is because he never listens. But to be fair, Nick Fury’s been a pretty terrible authority figure for a lot of the series so far, so there’s that.
Nick Fury: “You still need….”
Spider-Man: “Training? Discipline? That special S.H.I.E.L.D. shine?”
Nick Fury: “To start. And a little respect wouldn’t hurt. Be on time tomorrow.”
Spider-Man: “Fine. I will. And maybe you'll try teaching me something I don’t already know.”
I have a suggestion! “Not Being an Ass 101.” Doesn’t look like Spider-Man’s taken that class.
Spider-Man punctuates his exit by slamming the sliding doors together with his webs, no doubt costing thousands of taxpayers’ dollars in damage.
Spider-Man: “Oh! I’m late!”
Great responsibility, people.
He webs up to the helicarrier, making chit chat with the obviously-not-S.H.I.E.L.D.-agents he mistakes for S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. One of them grabs his hands, and his spider-sense goes off.
Spider-Man: “Thanks, spider-sense. Like I wouldn’t have figured out I’m in trouble.”
Well, now that Spidey mentions it, his spider-sense should have warned him about the danger as soon as he stepped onto the helicarrier. Then again, last episode, it was specifically pointed out that Agent Coulson can avoid setting off his spider-sense, so we can safely assume that his spider-sense has been severely nerfed harder than Diddy Kong in the latest Super Smash Bros. patch.
The villains introduce themselves as Zodiac, and they do a salute that looks a little bit familiar….
|“We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind.”|
Well, it’s about time. I’ll see if I can find the champagne.
Scorpio: “We… are the new masters of the universe.”
I’d imagine He-Man would like a word with you about that.
Spider-Man talks all big and bad about how Nick Fury’ll put these guys in their place, but….
Scorpio: “Nick Fury is dead.”
|Ding dong, Nick Fury's dead!|
Chibi Nick Fury: “Only believe something when you see it with your own eye. And even then, don’t believe it.”
That’s terrible advice. But it probably sums up the thought process of anti-vaccers.
Scorpio tells Spider-Man that he’ll see soon enough how the world will be a much better place without Fury’s “secrets and lies.”
Spider-Man: “Nick Fury was a liar?”
Scorpio: “The worst kind.”
Yeah, Spidey, don’t you remember how he blackmailed you into accepting a S.H.I.E.L.D. deal you didn’t want to take before changing the terms of the deal after you took it?
Spider-Man: “Did he lie to you and tell you that outfit didn’t make you look fat?”
Scorpio: “Destroy him!”
Wow, Spidey really hit a nerve there. Spider-Man manages to get his foot free of his boot, letting him attempt to kick one of the goons in the face, but the guy’s stubble makes it a painful attempt.
|This is an actual thing the show decided to include.|
Chibi Nick Fury: “Diving in head first is diving in brains last.”
Spider-Man lands in a soggy trash compactor where he makes the obligatory Star Wars reference.
Spider-Man: “What a wonderful smell I’ve discovered.”
|I would be forever grateful if C-3PO just let the trash compactor do its thing in this very moment.|
And on a minor point, why the sudden reference to the "regifting" episode of Seinfeld?
Spider-Man escapes from a sudden wall of flame into the ducts, where he spies on the Zodiac goons patrolling the halls.
Chibi Nick Fury: “Every enemy has a weak spot. Find it and exploit it.”
That’s not wisdom, Fury; that’s how you fight Legend of Zelda bosses.
After attempting to call the Sandwich Club with a jammed communicator, we get a cutaway gag showing us what each of them is doing right now.
|Patsy Walker. I see what you did there, Marvel.|
|“But downloading the Windows system files would be pointless. We use Macs.”|
“All the files!”
You want a disfiguring injury to your eye?
He gives the order to crash the helicarrier when the download is done as a warning, sending Spider-Man into alarm.
Nick Fury: “Look at your wrist.”
Fury is now patched in to Spidey’s wrist communicator, making Spider-Man exclaim “you’re alive” in his glee. Which gets the attention of the Zodiac troops below. Whoops. After basic buffoonery fails to save the day, Scorpio calls Spider-Man a strange little bug. The failed taxonomy sends Spider-Man into a fury as he starts beating up the laser-toting troops.
As Spider-Man professes his love of “pew-pew guns,” Nick Fury tells him to get his rear in gear and hack into the bridge’s computer to disrupt the download. The download is successfully aborted, but Scorpio whips out his weapon, the Scorpio Key, to take care of the wall-crawler once and for all. In the blast caused by the key’s wave motion gun, Spider-Man escapes back into the vents while modifying a quote from Die Hard.
Spider-Man: “Join S.H.I.E.L.D., become an agent, have a few laughs….”
Man, this episode is referencing more pop culture than… well, than I do. Fury explains that the Scorpio Key is one of the most dangerous weapon they know of, so Spider-Man will have to be careful as he rescues Fury.
Nick Fury: “Medical bay. Seventh level.”
Spider-Man knocks out a guard and, failing to fit into his uniform, uses his unconscious body like a marionette to lead the guards away from the medical bay to the bridge.
Zodiac Goon: “Why didn’t he call us on our comm?”
“Leo”: “We’ve been compromised. Spider-Man, who it not a twit, by the way, is here. You better go up there now!”
Zodiac Goon: “What’s your name, agent?”
“Leo”: “Uh, well, it’s Stan…. Ditkoberg.”
But when they refuse to fall for Spider-Man’s trick, he resorts to punching them, kicking them, and doing the Bugs Bunny-sneaking-behind-Elmer Fudd routine followed by taser-webs. After using a pew-pew gun to shoot the lock to the medical bay, Spider-Man enters to find Nick Fury tied up with a laser beam making its way towards his crotch a la Goldfinger.
Spider-Man: “Why would you even have something like this on board?”
Fury tells him to hit the red button to turn it off, but there’s two red buttons, and Spidey accidentally hits the “speed up” button. Quickly, he hits the other one before Nick Fury suddenly can become a soprano. After a quick hug, Spidey addresses the plot hole of Fury being able to contact his communicator while strapped to the table. Fury explains that his eyepatch is a communications device, which still doesn’t explain where Fury was getting camera footage of his own face from.
They head off to the cargo bay, where they find a new Spider-Cycle and… oh, you’re kidding me. Custom-made vibranium/adamantium armor for Spider-Man. Yeah, vibranium. As in the rarest metal on Earth, found only in a single country in Africa that hasn’t given any away since the 1940’s. And they just happened to decide to give S.H.I.E.L.D. some more. So what does S.H.I.E.L.D. do with this metal? They make a suit of armor for a loose cannon operative. Then they don't give it to him.
|"I was in the neighborhood."|
|A video game that I’ve loved since my childhood, but still a video game.|
While they fire pew-pew guns at the goons, Nick Fury tells Spidey to check his 3 o’clock.
Spider-Man: “Three o’clock? What’s gonna happen at three o’clock?”
You know, I kind of thought there’d be more James Bond references in the James Bond homage episode. I mean, yeah, Sean Connery was in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but come on. The pop culture references are just getting random.
After using his web-cannon to web up all the goons, Spider-Man and Fury zoom off. Spidey ends up on the exterior deck of the carrier, whereupon he continues to fight goons. He professes his love for his “new toys,” leading into Agent Coulson doing a short commercial for the Web-Cannon 3000.
|Because they’re just putting the toy commercials in the actual episode now.|
Agent Coulson: “Made in Madripoor. Not sold in stores.”
Rinse and repeat with “Impact Force Bubbles.”
Agent Coulson: “Made in Wakanda. Do not swallow.”
Last but not least, Spidey tries out his built-in forcefield, which appears as a Captain America-style shield.
Agent Coulson: “Personal invisi-shield. Pretty cool.”
Wow, you’re a regular Anthony Sullivan, Agent Coulson. What are you going to advertise for next? Pizza? Apple iWatches?
|Both, I guess.|
With the helicarrier now nose-down in the water, Fury and Scorpio manage to exchange words while clinging to the support beams to avoid falling into the windshield. Scorpio seems to have a grudge against Fury, but Nick doesn’t seem to remember Scorpio. Fury shoots the Key out of Scorpio’s hand and the two begin fighting as Spider-Man crawls back into the garbage compactor, snagging the label maker while he’s here.
Scorpio calls Fury a bully as the final fight begins. Before Scorpio can regain his Key, Spider-Man snatches it with his webs. Fury tackles Scorpio to the ground and unmasks him, revealing….
|That doesn't look like Old Man Jenkins.|
Max Fury: “And this is far, far from over, Nicholas.”
And by that he means “I’ll return in a single episode of Season 2 focusing on Power Man before disappearing forever.”
With twenty second until the self-destruct goes off, Scorpio escapes into the water while Fury heads to the computer to deactivate the sequence, stopping it with seven seconds left, a la Goldfinger.
|If it had stopped at ten seconds, that would be an homage to You Only Live Twice.|
Spider-Man: “You’re a really good teacher, by the way.”
And after Spider-Man gives Fury the label maker again, he proves that he learned nothing from all of this by saying that this whole thing was technically Fury’s fault. And after a James Bond-esque “Spider-Man will return” slate….
|Whoa, can you say that on Disney XD?|