Monday, December 8, 2014

Recap: Green Lantern: TAS "Lost Planet"

I now bring you "Lost Planet," an episode about a planet which isn't lost and neither are the people on it.

Metaphorically, maybe?
Previously on Green Lantern, power rings seek out a new host after their current one dies. Like the one ring of power. But less evil. Except in the Mirror Universe, but I digress.

The episode opens with Kilowog telling the others to sound off as he apparently does a roll call. For the four of them. Hal gives this protocol all the sincerity and seriousness it deserves.

Which is to say, nothing.
Hal, who actually called the meeting, wants to assess the situation.

Razer: “Easy. We’ll be dead within a month.”

Razer? You’re hard to love, but you’re getting harder to hate every episode.

But even Kilowog is inclined to agree with Razer after losing last episode’s new recruit. I mean, it’s not like any sort of governmental system needs a single ruler. Just set up a parliamentary democracy of some kind, and you’ll be out of there and zapping Red Lanterns in no time! But as Kilowog mopes, Aya interrupts him with news about Shyir Rev’s power ring. (Of course, we know him better as “Fronty.”) The good news is that the wayward ring is on a nearby planet. The bad news is that the planet is about to be hit by a gigantic asteroid. What’s worse is that there’s no way to stop the thing, not even with the Interceptor’s weapons.

An attempt at using Green Lantern rings to redirect the asteroid yields almost no results, too, despite all the intense music and strain on the Green Lantern power batteries. But they did slow it down a bit. They have six hours before impact. The downside is that their rings are almost completely drained.

Hal: “No one will mind that our rings are only partially charged as we rescue them.”

Luckily, there’s only a few life forms scattered about on the surface, so it’s less “world-wide evacuation” and more “search and rescue.” Kilowog finally loses his temper over all of Hal’s breaches of protocol, and Aya actually agrees with him.

Aya: “Putting the lives of two well-trained at risk in an effort to save one untrained novice is impractical.”

Yeah, yeah, “needs of the many;” thanks, Spock.

Hal gives a little mini-speech about duty, and they land. Aya’s scanners are on the fritz, so they head off in the general direction of the ring’s signal. After some time, they find some diverse aliens and make first contact.

Hal: “We come in peace. I’ve always wanted to say that.”
Kilowog: “Why?”

The leader of the three camping aliens is Zartok, a well-spoken guy with a spear.

Zartok: “My fellow castaways are Drusa and Grood.”

That's better.
The Lanterns introduce themselves, and Kilowog recognizes Zartok as one of a band of super-awesome space warriors because of his unique weapon that was only used during a single battle.  Cough, plot point, cough. Zartok agrees to help find the new Green Lantern, and they split up to do more damage. Kilowog calls dibs on Zartok, and Drusa calls dibs on Aya. Razer flies off alone, which leaves Hal with the creepily silent Grood. They travel for a bit, and Hal pokes fun at Grood’s silence, saying he must be an orator, or a storyteller of somekind. You know, if Grood had just had his tongue cut out by bandits, Hal would look like quite the jerk.

Speaking of jerks, Grood throws Hal into a nearby pit, no doubt because of the orator crack. The ground starts to swallow Hal up as stone grows over him, but he manages to escape using his ring’s power.

Over with Kilowog, he’s gushing over Zartok and the warrior he must be to have such an awesome weapon from an awesome battle of awesomeness.

Kilowog: “If it wouldn’t be too rude to ask, I would love to hear of the battle. The last stand.”
Zartok: “It was… the greatest moment of my life."

Zartok begins to regale him with generic Klingon-esque battle speech.

Zartok: “…a good day to die….”

Some parts more generic than others, so the episode grants us mercy by cutting to the two ladies.

Let’s see. Two women. Alone on an alien world. An alien and a robo-lady.

Drusa: “I’ve been marooned on this planet for quite some time.”

Said every sci-fi porn ever.

Drusa: “It’s so exciting to see you.”

Said every sci-fi porn ever.

Drusa: “Such technology! Such perfection!”

Said every… yeah, this is starting to turn into slash fic.

Aya: “Perfection is incorrect. I must continually adjust a .0001% flaw in my programming.”

But it’s not like that imperfection will ever make her go crazy and turn evil, right?

Drusa: “Well, you sure sound perfect to…”

But before Drusa can lift more dialogue from robot porn, she trips on a rock and twists her knee.

Aya: “I can construct a field dressing and splint from surrounding materials.”

I would like to point out that they are entirely surrounded by rocky canyons.

Aya’s suggestion is only slightly less stupid than trying to form a rudimentary lathe.
Drusa: “I’d feel better if you took me back to your ship for medical attention."

Aya picks Drusa up and…. geez, I just can’t shake the feeling that Drusa’s going to demand an “examination” while in the medical bay. Her dialogue just sounds so… porn-ish. Juliet Landau’s delivery isn’t helping, either. No wonder people have made romantic music videos of these two.

Because internet.
Over with Razer, he’s simply infuriated at the blue forest he finds himself in, while a mysteriously impish figure laughs at him from above. Razer furiously chases him, but fails, even with the power of flight. Speaking of flight, Hal flies out of his pit only to find Grood turned to stone. And because this is fiction, Grood crumbles to pieces. Over with Kilowog, Zartok is still telling his tales of valor and honor and all that. Kilowog expresses his hope that this mighty warrior is the one chosen to become a Green Lantern, and we cut back to Aya. She explains that every room on the ship does basically everything due to limited ship space, which is the cue for the audience to stop complaining that the infirmary looks like the dining area. Aya makes some Star Trek sound effects happen, and Drusa disables her with a device on a console. Over with Razer, he comes across a spaceship graveyard. Pirates, thugs, mercenaries; evil people of all sorts have crashed on this planet.

???: “Yes. And those are space clippers of the Tarkonian Marauders.”
Razer: “Who are you?”

Why, it’s Phil Morris doing his best David Hyde Pierce imitation. He warns Razer about walking the wrong path, and introduces himself as Saint Walker. Yes. Please. Saint Walker is, hands down, the best part of this show. Sorry, Razaya shippers.

That's right, console each other over the fact that Saint Walker outshines you within thirty seconds.
Saint Walker: “And you are?”
Razer: “About to kick your smug rear!”
Saint Walker: “That is not a very pleasant name. Not in the least.”
Razer: “Do you have a problem with me?”
Saint Walker: “Do you have a problem with you?”

I have a problem with Razer. But not as much anymore.

As Razer decides to respond with violence, Hal is trying and failing to reach the others on his ring. As he wonders how to find the others, the trees part like the Red Sea to point the way. This is odd, to say the least. Hal calls this a stretch, but take this with a grain of salt. Trees covering the Earth to save it from a solar flare with everybody forgetting for no reason afterwards? That's a stretch. (I try to keep my Doctor Who complaints out of my Recaps, but it’s very hard when certain imagery comes up.) Meanwhile, Zartok is still talking about numerous battles, but one of them gets Kilowog’s attention.

Zartok: “We would have won if my battalion hadn’t been captured.”
Kilowog: “You… did win.”

That’s right, Zartok fought on the side of the bad guys. He attacks Kilowog while Razer attacks Saint Walker.

Razer: “Taste the power of my rage!”
Saint Walker: “Rage has no real power. Or taste, for that matter.”

"Would you like to exchange recipes?"
Gotta say, Saint Walker is quite impressive with the casual way he dodges all of Razer’s attacks by barely moving. Fights and fights and fights galore. I know that I’m supposed to be worried about Kilowog’s fight with this show’s equivalent of a Jedi-slayer, but Saint Walker is proving far more interesting as he dodges every single one of Razer’s blows, but never attacks. He even jumps into a tree, then walks down it as Razer cuts it down, proceeding to politely offer some of the tree’s fruit to Razer.

Zartok rants about how blind loyalty is better than bravery (thus showing Kilowog what a tool he was at the beginning of the episode), and Saint Walker finally incapacitates Razer with a single poke to a pressure point.

Saint Walker: “There’s a storm coming, brother. And the galaxy will need everyone of strong and true heart to survive.”

He tells Razer to avoid the power of the Dark Side, I mean the Red Lanterns and produces a Green Lantern ring. But it’s not his. He gives it to Razer and calmly leaves to travel a different path. Hal shows up to help Razer up and they compare notes, with a plan to rescue the others and leave. Kilowog is about to get killed by Zartok, but gets a bolt of steam from the ground that stops him.

Kilowog flings him away, but Drusa arrives in the Interceptor to save Zartok with a laser. Zartok enters the craft and tells Drusa to fly away from the planet. Kilowog and the others fly after the stolen ship, but it’s too fast and nimble for them. Luckily, sudden mountains lurch up from the ground and knock the ship out of the sky while the blue trees gently set the ship down.

The criminals are apprehended, Aya is rescued, and all that remains is to leave. But Hal’s busy wondering what’s up with the ring, so he sets it free!

…and it slowly spins on the ground.

Hal, having put the pieces together, tells the others to leave, and he goes off to give the ring to its new owner. He drills into the center of the planet with help from Kilowog, and the drop the ring down into the crevasse. A gigantic emerald beam shoots up and destroys the asteroid.

Planet: “I… am… Mogo.”

"Sorry about the reception; I don't socialize much."
Mogo explains that he has been drawing in villains from all over and imprisoning them, and offers to do the same with Zartok and Drusa. He also offers his services as a Lantern, if they ever need him.

Hal: “Welcome to the Green Lanter Corps, Mogo.”

And the episode ends. Now let’s review this Alan Moore adaptation. Yeah, you read that right. The Watchmen guy. With the beard.

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