Recap: Beware the Batman "Safe"

Will this one actually deliver what it promises? That'd be a boring episode. Let's hope this is more interesting than Bruce lying safely in bed for half an hour.

Fingers crossed, y'all.

The theme begins, and you know what? Mini-rant time. Why is it that superhero cartoons don't have 30-second themes anymore? Now it's just 5 seconds at best. Spectacular Spider-Man had a good theme, Ultimate Spider-Man has none. Avengers: EMH had an awesome one, Avengers Assemble has none. Beware the Batman has a really catchy one, but they rarely show it. I'm hoping that this is because the intro shows Tatsu as Katana, and they're "trying" to keep that hidden from the audience. Anyway, let's begin the Recap of "Safe."

According to the "Previously on Beware the Batman" bit, Tatsu jumped around, Bruce isn't impressed with Tatsu, and Tatsu looked at a sword while they dubbed over a line from a different part of the episode that doesn't make sense in this context. Also, Alfred doesn't know the rules of chess.

Fine, I'm done harping on this. Super-for-realsies-no-backsies. Though I might be lying.

We open the episode proper on a shot of Wayne Industries, where Bruce is giving a speech to a crowd. He announces the development of something called the "Ion Cortex." Okay, so get this bit of comic book science. It's a glowing energy sphere that is also apparently an artificial intelligence, which can link up to power distribution all around the world through Wi-Fi and redistribute energy being wasted, which is estimated to create a surplus in 5 years.

Testify, Science Guy.

So, skipping the obvious questions on this not-quite-science (It's just a glowy energy ball, so how is it also an AI?), how can it redirect power from, say, Arizona to the United Kingdom? How does it know when energy's being "wasted"? Can it detect the difference between leaving the TV on while you're shopping and watching it? Is there surveillance involved? Bruce says it will work globally, so is North Korea okay with this plan? Russia? Or even Canada? All of these questions and more will be completely ignored. It takes talent for a TV show to solve the world's energy problems and then make that fact irrelevant. I don't know whether to applaud genuinely or sarcastically at this accomplishment.

Anyway, Bruce didn't invent this thing, and he introduces the man who did, Dr. Jason Burr. He's visibly nervous as he gives his stilted speech, which gets worse as ninjas suddenly happen.

Sometimes, ninjas just happen.

The ninjas smoke bomb the whole place and kick around the security. Bruce, Jason, and Tatsu run to the limo, when Jason falls behind and Bruce tells Tatsu to help him. She does, using some secret super-ninja moves of her own. She grabs one of the ninjas' swords and gets ready to finish him off, but is stopped by Batman.

Batman: "Once you cross that line, you can't go back."

Tatsu decides to inflict blunt force trauma instead, and they beat up ninjas together. After the last ninja disappears, Tatsu and Batman debate the merits of killing enemies.

Tatsu: "I don't need an ethics lesson from a nut dressed up like a bat."
Batman: "Too bad. You just got one."

Bat-burn!

And he zips away. Tatsu makes sure Burr's okay, and he gets uncomfortably huggy. Tatsu takes Burr to the limo, where Bruce is waiting. That dude is quick. Are we sure that Bruce Wayne's not also secretly the Flash?

He informs Burr that the ninjas are after him because he invented the Ion Cortex, and someone wants it. Bruce decides to take Dr. Burr to STATELY WAYNE MANOR to keep him safe. Cut to the escaped ninja in a dark room under a spotlight, being chastised by a mysterious female voice (Lady Shiva) who reveals that they are part of the League of Assassins. Three ninjas then appear from the shadows and kill the failed ninja. Because how will we know that these assassins are evil unless they kill an underling for failure? Use your head.

One of the other ninjas, wearing a silver monkey mask and identified as Silver Monkey, appropriately enough, is then instructed to retrieve Dr. Burr. You know, our animal-based-villains to non-animal-based-villains ratio is now three to two. But it's dead even if you count Lady Shiva. Which I don't, but just in general.

We then cut to STATELY WAYNE MANOR, and Alfred is leading, Tatsu, Dr. Burr, and some security guy through the manor while expositing on the security. When he's finished, he refers to random security guy as Mr. Reese, but I'm going to call him "Agent Coulson."

Am I really the only person who sees this? C'mon, someone back me up.

Dr. Burr: "All I need to feel safe is her."

Why is it that Dr. Burr creeps me out more than a maniac in a pig mask?

Bruce walks up in a tux, saying that he's got a hot date, and that everyone else will be fine at the manor. Secretly, he actually goes to the BatCave and heads to Dr. Burr's lab on the Batcycle. Dr. Burr, meanwhile, plays with an inexplicable toy replica of Tatsu's motorcycle and then goes up to Tatsu to flirt. Badly. It's not even adorkable, it's just awkward. Tatsu rejects all his clumsy advances, and we cut back to Batman. He's using night vision to track footprints from the lab to the roof, and suddenly blocks swords with his gauntlets. Ninjas! They scuffle, and Batman gets on the Batcycle and speeds away. Back with Tatsu, and Burr tells her what his MacGuffin, I mean invention, does. Tatsu tells him that's why the ninjas are after him. Burr flirts a bit more, and Tatsu actually reciprocates.

Tatsu: "And yes, if I told you about my past, I'd have to kill you."
Dr. Burr: "Wait, you're joking? Look at that; you can smile."

Barely. Her lip barely even twitched. And she continues to be a Debbie Downer.

Dr. Burr: "I thought Wayne Manor..."

I believe you mean STATELY WAYNE MANOR.

Dr. Burr: "...was completely safe."
Tatsu: "You're never completely safe."

Meanwhile, Batman fights ninjas on motorcycles on conspicuously empty streets. It's a pretty awesome scene made out of awesome. He interrogates one, but gets no information. He calls the manor, but no one picks up, as Tatsu is making sure Burr's bedroom is safe. She tells him to sleep tight, and he starts haplessly flirting again. For some reason, Tatsu smiles at him warmly, then shuts the door right in his face. That's more like it.

Alfred is at the front of the manor, informing Agent Coulson on the lockdown protocols. Coulson goes out and talks to the guards out front... and then hits them with poison darts! Coulson's a traitor! He must be working for HYDRA to take out Batman! Then, two ninjas jump over the fence. I guess he's really working with the League of Assassins, then.

Alfred dozes off in the main hall, when the Batphone's distinct ring from the Adam West Batman show starts buzzing. In a neat sound effect cameo, it's Alfred's watch alerting him to a call from Batman.

Batman: "Alfred! they're coming for Burr!"

Outside, Coulson takes off his Mission: Impossible-style mask and suits up as the Silver Monkey, running inside.

Was he wearing that under his suit and tie?

Alfred activates the outside security system after the assassins get in, so he's really just locking Batman out. Someone then enters Burr's room and puts their hand over his mouth. Seeing as how we cut to commercial, I bet it's Tatsu, and this is a cheap cliffhanger. After commercial, it turns out that I'm right. She tells him that something's wrong, and puts pillows under his blanket as a decoy. And just as I'm thinking how much smaller the pillow decoy is....

Dr. Burr: "Will that work? ...I'm... I'm taller than that."

They run down the hall, and run into a closet as Silver Monkey walks into the bedroom and poison darts the pillows. Tatsu quickly runs up and locks him in, but SM punches through the wooden door as Tatsu and Burr head to the Panic Room. Meanwhile, Batman's still fighting motorcycle ninjas, and he asks his computer how to get inside his manor, and it tells him how, with a 28% success estimate. Batman likes them odds. He takes out the remaining ninjas, and turns his bike into a glider, getting into the mansion by crashing down from above. What a terrible security system.

Batman: "I need a new security system."

It's weird how this episode can read my mind.

Tatsu and Burr make their way into the dining room, where SM poison darts the wall. He recognizes Katana, and is surprised to see her alive.

Silver Monkey: "You will die for your betrayal."

Hmmm. Somebody's got an interesting past.

They tussle impressively, and Silver Monkey slashes her with mini-Wolverine claws.

I can't make fun of this scene; it's actually really good.

As they fight, Alfred appears and chases Silver Monkey off with a shotgun, like a boss.

Alfred: "The ones that can dodge bullets are always a bother."

You say after having shot him with a futuristic laser shotgun. But I discussed this design choice in my "Hunted" Recap.

Silver Monkey slinks through the halls, and runs into Batman, and another good fight begins. This episode has a lot of those. As Bats becomes occupied with mooks, SM runs off to find Tatsu, who is currently with Alfred and Burr in front of the Panic Room. Alfred and Burr enter, but Tatsu stays behind, running off to her room and grabbing her glowing green sword. You know, the one that she looked at for a second in the last episode.

Alfred deactivates security so help can enter the manor, and Silver Monkey puts a bomb on the Panic Room door. Before he can detonate it, though, Tatsu puts her sword on his neck and takes the detonator, demanding he disarm the bomb. After telling her that she was not worthy of the League of Assassins, he gets her with a shoe blade and grabs the sword.

Silver Monkey: "The Soultaker Sword. It wasn't destroyed; you stole it."

At this rate, Tatsu's shaping up to be more interesting than Batman.

As Silver Monkey raises it for a killing blow, he gets conveniently taken out by Batman. Batman tells SM that his bomb won't do anything against the panic room door, and SM knocks it into the wall instead, making a sizable hole and escaping. Batman and Tatsu (having hidden her sword) follow suit.

After another scuffle, Batman loses his grapple gun and is knocked off the cliff that the manor's perched on alongside Silver Monkey. He grabs SM, and Tatsu gets Batman with the Grapple, but SM gasses Batman and escapes. Batman climbs up the rope, and Tatsu helps him up. Then she suddenly realizes she was injured.

Tatsu: "I'm starting to think I was wrong about you."

But before she can end up as injured as Alfred....

Dr. Burr: "Miss Yamashiro!"

Oh, great, it's Burr. Where'd he get the first aid kit?

Dr. Burr: "Give me room! I'm a doctor!"

Again, right as I'm thinking it...

Alfred: "Wait, are you a medical doctor?" 
Dr. Burr: "I am tonight."

He gets all melodramatic, and I have to admit that his antics are finally amusing me.

Back with the League of Assassins, Silver Monkey informs Lady Shiva that Tatsu faked her own death, but doesn't tell her about the sword. Interesting. Shiva tells him to not worry about Burr anymore, and says they'll get the Ion Cortex another way. Even if it takes until almost halfway through the season.

But for now, it's time to review.