Recap: Ultimate Spider-Man "Home Sick Hulk"

So, as you may have noticed, the posts have been late for the last couple of days. If you follow my Twitter, you'll know that's because I have been ridiculously sick for the past couple of weeks. So what better time to look at the Hulk's Hulk-sized illness than after having my own adventures in fever and pain?

Last week, I was gagging so hard it wasn't funny. This week, I'll be criticizing unfunny gags.

The episode begins at the Parker residence, where Aunt May is dressed in hiking gear, waiting to be picked up by the Optimus Club. Well, she probably says "the Optimist's Club," but I think that sounds a lot less exciting than going backpacking with Autobots. Aunt May's a bit worried about how her favorite nephew will get along without her for a weekend, but Peter assures her that he'll be able to last a whole weekend without her and she should focus on having fun.

Peter: "Don't even think about me."

You heard it here first. If you want to enjoy a weekend, don't even think about Ultimate Spider-Man.

She tells him about the metric butt-ton of food in the fridge, the money on the counter, and the key on the stoop, and Peter insists that he's fully capable of taking care of himself.

Aunt May: "It's so cute that you think so, sweetie. But I don't think your pets would agree."

Why, yes, there is a montage of Peter's escapades in pet-have. Like the time his goldfish somehow ran away, the time his hamster ran away, and the time his bird ran away. You'd think they would have stopped letting him have pets after his goldfish ran away. How does something like that even happen?

"Careful planning."

Aunt May finally gets going, but not before rattling off the old parenting standards like "Go to school," "Don't do sleep," "Get eight hours of drugs," and "Eat your teeth." After she leaves, he soon ends up driving the Spider-Cycle through the New York streets, going on and on about how "responsible" he is. These episodes beg to differ

Suddenly, a fast-moving blip appears on the bike's radar. After tracking the blip's trajectory, he follows it as it crash lands in the old World's Fair grounds. He goes up to the metal sphere, and it's lone occupant soon smashes his way out.

Spider-Man: "Hulk!"

Ol' Greenie has some kind of metal facehugger on his back, which means he's none too pleased with his current situation. Before Spider-Man can lend a hand, he gets a call from Nick Fury. Apparently, something just crashed at the old World's Fair grounds and he wants Spidey to check it out. Yeah, that's pretty much the response time I've come to expect from S.H.I.E.L.D.

Spider-Man sends Fury video feed of the thing on Hulk's back, and it's soon identified as a Phalanx. It's highly infectious, so obviously that means that S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't going to engage quarantine protocols. It manages to inject Hulk with something, and even shakes off a smashing from Spider-Man. Luckily, Hulk's middle name is "Smash," and he quickly takes care of the little metal headcrab. But that alien injection has left Hulk feeling a little green, if you'll pardon the pun. Hulk falls on Spider-Man, who gets another call from Fury asking for an update to the situation.

But before Spider-Man can mention the Hulk, he realizes that S.H.I.E.L.D. would probably lock up the Hulk if they knew he was here. So logically, the only thing to do is to hide the alien-infected Hulk at the Parker residence.

Question 1: How did the neighbors not see Spider-Man taking Hulk home?

Question 2: Why did Peter think this was a good plan?

Question 3: Even though Fury took down most of the security cameras from Peter's house after the events of "Me Time," how did Peter get the Hulk past the one that, if I remember correctly, was still there?

Question 4: Why is the poster child for power and responsibility being so irresponsible with his sick friend?

Question 5: This is just going to be the cliche "hiding a pet from parents" plot, isn't it?

Anyway, a sick, grayish Hulk wakes up in Peter's bedroom, wondering how he got there and accidentally smashing the ceiling by sitting up. But despite his illness, Hulk is raring to go and fight more aliens.

Hulk: "Hulk and Bug-Man smash again!"

In an attempt to pacify the Hulk, he asks what else the Hulk likes to do.

"Play chess. Screw."
"Let's play chess."

Spider-Man: "You play any instruments?"
Hulk: "Uhhh... Hulk smash piano once."

Probably sounded about as good as One Direction.

Questions about Hulk's home are less fruitful.

Hulk: "Hulk live wherever Hulk is."

Because Hulk's a rolling stone. Wherever he lays his hat is his home.

Spider-Man notices that there's some kind of alien-tech doodad sticking out of the back of Hulk's neck, but before he can do anything....

Aunt May: "Peter! I'm back!"

"But... but Aunt May wasn't supposed to come over da house!"

After some standard "Oh no, this is terrible!" spieling, Peter throws on a robe to hide his costume and takes off his mask and gloves before greeting Aunt May and asking why she isn't hiking with the Transformers. Apparently, she twisted her ankle stepping off a curb and had to cancel. All she wants at this point is to get in bed and ice her foot. Thinking quickly, Peter resorts to his number one weapon in this show: Not being funny. He whips up some rants about how she shouldn't bother with stairs in her condition and tells her to sit in the living room recliner.

"Something" upstairs makes a smashing sound, and Peter goes to check on it. He tells the Hulk to stay quiet, and goes back to his aunt.

Peter: "Rats in the attic?"
Aunt May: "Better than bats in the belfry."
Peter: "A-hah-hah-hah! Oh, Aunt May! You are a riot!"

"That joke's funnier when I tell it."

After some more odd sounds, Peter rushes back upstairs. This time, Hulk is using Peter's curtains as Kleenex. The gag culminates in a Hulk-sized sneeze in Peter's face.

It's giving me "All About the Ego" flashbacks, which I'm not enjoying.

After Peter manages to wipe the mucus off, he puts Aunt May in the Lay-Z-Boy and goes back to the Hulk. I neglected to mention it earlier, but Peter has been whipping his mask on and off between Aunt May and the Hulk, for added humor. Speaking of adding humor, Hulk apparently decided to re-enact the scene from The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh where Pooh got stuck in Rabbit's house.

Silly old Hulk.

Spidey manages to convince the Hulk to stay with a little speech about how the Hulk's his friend, and then heads downstairs for more shtick. He herds Aunt May out of the kitchen and into a chair.

Run, Aunt May! Run before he forgets to feed you too!

Aunt May: "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were hiding a girl upstairs."

Spider-Man/Mary Jane shippers are breathing a heavy sigh right about now. Also, "know better"? I'm going to just assume that she thinks that Peter's gay.

Peter: "...because a girl? Is the last thing I have hiding upstairs."

And comments like that are probably why.

Peter covers up more of the Hulk's accidental smashing with stories of seismic tremors and turns the TV up to deafening levels, also known as the level my dad sets the volume. He tosses her the phone book to read (because funny?), and goes to check on the Hulk. Hulk is trying and failing to smash a mosquito, Spidey tells him to shush, blah blah blah.

Back downstairs, Peter grabs Aunt May's sleep mask and covers her eyes while demanding that she nap.

Peter: "It's sooooooothing."

As he says this, he puts her earbuds in, which are currently playing something remarkably similar to Alien Ant Farm's cover of "Smooth Criminal." Soothing, indeed. He finds Hulk raiding the fridge, and finally makes a move towards examining the alien doodad stuck in Hulk. But Hulk faints before he can do this.

As Spidey tries to help Hulk walk back upstairs, he asks just how the Hulk ended up fighting the Phalanx. Long story short: He done got abducted. Hulk feels his lunch coming back up, so Spidey shoves him in the basement, where he makes disgustingly-long barfing noises. Luckily, those pounding beats of Alien Ant Farm are indeed soothing Aunt May to sleep.

Spidey ventures downstairs, and finds that Hulk threw up in the washing machine. Wonderful. Small talk ensues.

Spider-Man: "Is that your real name, or...."
Hulk: "Hulk is Hulk."

How very Zen.

Spider-Man finally looks at the alien doodad and quickly deduces that he has no idea what it is. Bonding ensues between our heroes, and Spidey unmasks in a show of trust. In response, part of the alien doodad ejects from the Hulk's back. Peter starts looking at it under his microscope, but Fury calls him on his wrist communicator. Peter blows him off, and soon discovers that the alien metal is actually alive. And it's transmitting.

Phalanx soon arrive in Peter's yard, which the newly-healed Hulk is quite eager to smash. At Spider-Man's urging, Hulk grabs Spidey and leaps away to draw the Phalanx away from any possible civilians. Smashing ensues, and the heroes let one escape so they can follow it back to wherever it came from. They follow the lone Phalanx to a warehouse, and break inside to find the molten-metal mothership, which spawns some half-Hulk, half-Phalanx hybrids, thanks to the DNA they harvested while Hulk was "infected."

Spider-Man: "Hope you're in the mood for some alien-smash! We're trapped with them now!"
Hulk: "No. Puny creatures trapped with us!"

"Hurm. How original."

Now, I know you can't actually hear me sing this, but I still need to make a certain joke for the ensuing fight scene. It's internet law.

This is the song, written for the fight scene, where Hulk teams up with Spider-Man....

He tried! To kill them with a forklift!

Smashing soon proves futile, as more Phalanx appear the more the get smashed. But Hulk thinks that since he fought off the "infection," he might have antibodies that make him immune. Gotta say, that seems a bit smart for the Hulk.

Hulk: "Puny Banner is scientist."

So then where is puny Banner for all of Agents of S.M.A.S.H., huh? Guess I'll finally find out when I recap "Banner Day."

Anyway, Spider-Man is incredulous to learn that the Green Guy used to be the world's foremost Gamma expert, and Hulk goes to town on the metallic monsters until they're no more. And seeing as how the day is saved, of course S.H.I.E.L.D. picks this time to show up. Fury tells Spider-Man to let them capture the Hulk, but Spidey refuses.

Nick Fury: "I get that you're trying to do what's best for Hulk. But I'm responsible for making a decision that's best for the world."

Spider-Man counters that the Hulk's a human being. With a mind and everything. He says that Hulk is a better friend than enemy. Nick fury walks up to the big guy and officially introduces himself. He offers food, a home, and resources to figure out how to help each other. Hulk declines and runs away.  As Spider-Man tries to slink off, Fury begins chewing him out over the whole situation. This is soon cut short when Hulk comes back, having changed his mind.

Spider-Man: "What made you come back?"
Hulk: "Hulk still hungry."

Hulk leaves for the helicarrier as Aunt May, back at the house, yells at the absent Peter for a glass of water. And so, the episode ends. And with our third stop on our road recapped, let's review.