Recap: Ultimate Spider-Man "Doomed"

If you're looking for that one episode of the '96 Hulk cartoon with the same name, that's here. If you're looking for where potential goes to die, welcome to Ultimate Spider-Man.

Is there a law that "Doom" has to be in the title of any episode with Dr. Doom?

Our episode opens up in the Midtown High cafeteria, where Peter Parker explains to us what happened last episode, in case we either forgot or couldn't be bothered to watch. He also explains his secret identity to us, in case we're complete morons.

Peter: "...aka the spectacular web-ball of incredibleness known as Spider-Man!"

I knew The Spectacular Spider-Man. The Spectacular Spider-Man was a friend of mine. You are no Spectacular Spider-Man.

He attempts some comedy by comparing the school slackers to the Silver Surfer, and the jocks to the Hulk, before he realizes that there's a crisis a-brewin'. Sam Alexander (aka Nova) is sitting at his table, talking to Mary Jane and Harry! How dare he! Sam seems to be hitting it off with the two, befriending them over his mashed potato sculpture of Principal Coulson (Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.). Naturally, Peter takes him out into the hallway to talk at him about this.

Sam: "What's your damage, Parker?"

Good question. Why does Peter think he gets final say over who gets to hang out with his friends?

Peter: "Peter Parker's table and Peter's friends! I don't want to mix my chocolate with my peanut butter. Get it?"

Reese's Cups are delicious. That's a terrible metaphor.

Sam: "...I'm allergic to peanuts."
Peter: "Look... you guys are cool and all, in special ways, I guess."

Way to make a guy feel wanted.

Peter: "But Spidey does Fury's super-group thing out there. In here? It's my time. My rules."
Sam: "You know, words are coming out of your mouth? But I stopped caring. Like, yesterday."

Finally, Sam, we agree on something. Peter is being completely unreasonable. Let's be fair. It'd be one thing if Sam was trying to replace Peter's friends. But he's just befriending them on his own time. Sam is actually being the rational one here. As we'll see in later episodes, this character trait is going to be dropped quickly.

Anyway, Peter says that Nova's jealous because Fury made him the leader of the team, and Nova counters that there is no team leader yet. So, the show keeps flip-flopping on this point. Is Spider-Man being trained by S.H.I.E.L.D.? Or is he training others? Is he the team leader? Or just another team member? These questions and more will not be satisfactorily answered.

To take care of the situation, Principal Coulson comes up and gives the two detention for basically no reason. Last time I checked, students were allowed to discuss issues they were having with each other. What, do you just want them to fight it out, Coulson? Actually, this "detention" is only populated by the young heroes because it's a secret S.H.I.E.L.D. meeting. Still, if a teacher were to see Coulson give the students detention for no reason, there'd probably be some kind of inquiry and I'm putting more thought into this than the writers did, aren't I? Odin's beard, we're only two minutes in?

Anyway, Coulson presses a button (what if a student found... whatever) and sends the team down through a pneumatic tube that shoots them into a S.H.I.E.L.D. base. Only White Tiger lands gracefully, which would amuse me if I weren't wondering how they were all suddenly wearing their uniforms. They must have borrowed the technology from the 60's BatCave. Also, did I say S.H.I.E.L.D. base? I meant, "submerged helicarrier which emerges from the water and flies into the air." Sorry, it's easy to get those two mixed up. 

Nick Fury's face appears on a screen and tells them that it's time to train. So the team faces off against lasers and drones, with Nova and Spider-Man having a bet on the side to see who can wreck ten first.

You know, the video game-ness was done much better in Scott Pilgrim. Not a joke, but an observation.

White Tiger: "They are so stupid."

White Tiger, I know that abrasive line was probably put in there to make you look tough or whatever, and I should hate it... but that is the greatest thing you've said so far in the show. Speaking of great things being said, after they both wreck ten drones....

Nick Fury: "The object of this exercise was to cross the room without setting off any traps."

Okay, that was funny.

Understandably, Fury grounds Spidey and Nova until they get their heads out of their butts and start working together. Unfortunately, he grounds the others, too. He orders them to clean up the training area, and they get to work as they talk about their situation.

Iron Fist: "A tornado becomes a gentle breeze only as temperatures cool down."

Actually, Iron Fist, tornadoes are formed by an updraft of warm air swirling around cooler air. It takes warm and cool air to make a tornado. Your koan sucks.

The team finishes up their cleaning, and Spidey tells the others that they need as much experience as he does. He demonstrates his experience by listing all the D-to-C-List villains he's fought.

White Tiger: "Spider-Man! You're a geni... you gave me an idea."

White Tiger goes into the computer system and hacks S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Most Wanted files, coming across... Lady Porcupine. She's on the same list as Blizzard and MODOK? Nova aims a bit higher and suggests they go after Doctor Doom instead.

Oddly enough, Spider-Man can't really fill us in on the good doctor, calling him "an evil king or mayor." They steal a jet and head for Latveria as in-flight antics happen. As they near Latverian airspace, Nova ejects and flies off under his own power. The jet splits into smaller jets and they discuss their lack of strategy. Festive fireworks erupt all across the sky, and the team soon realizes that the explosions are actually anti-aircraft gunfire. Whoops. Long story short (too late), they reach the ground and wreck some Doombots.

Doombot: "Three days 'til retirement...."

That just raises more questions than I'm prepared to answer.

Doom himself appears, and just his presence is enough to set off Spidey's Spider-Sense. Doctor Doom let's fly with his gauntlets' finger beams, and a fight ensues as Spidey realizes just how doomed they are (his pun, not mine).

This should be an album cover.

They try some teamwork, but Spidey and Nova get each other's way. Surprisingly enough, the two actually manage to take down Doctor Doom. Spidey webs him up and sticks him in his jet to take him to Fury. Speaking of Fury, he message Coulson to ask where the team is. Coulson, meanwhile, is going native in his Principal disguise and panicking to figure out the school's budget.

Coulson: "I'm trimming the fat. No more doors on boys' bathroom stalls, rougher toilet paper...."

You fiend.

Spider-Man arrives, and presents Doctor Doom to Fury while he and Nova argue over who actually caught him.

Spider-Man: "Wanted for rockin' D and D armor and a cape in the 21st century...."

Hey! Leave the Dungeons and Dragons jokes to me.

The vein on Fury's forehead bulges as he points out the obvious. Cue the meme!

Close enough.

Doom unwebs himself as every agent in the place takes aim at the dictator. But the dictator is actually a Doombot, and a Matryoshka doll too. Several smaller Doombots jump out of each other and weapon up. They scatter into the helicarrier, and the team goes off to fight them as they discuss where things went wrong. MJ calls Peter to talk to him about Sam, Spidey hangs up, and more fighting.

One of the Doombots decides to rip off The Avengers and takes out one of the engines while another one decides to be original and attack the energy core. Spider-Man and Nova finally decide to put aside their differences and save the day. Spider-Man will protect the core while Nova will pull and Iron Man and save the helicarrier. The remaining team memebers meet up, take out some Doombots, and successfully protect the power core with some teamwork between them and the arriving Nova.

Wrap up time! MJ calls Peter again, talks to Sam, Spidey ignores Fury's yelling, and we get a little "I am Spartacus" moment as Fury says that whoever started this is off the team.

Nick Fury: "...never again, team."

Coulson then comes in to tell the team to do their homework and asks Fury how much meat you need to legally call something "meat loaf."

Coulson: "We can save the budget, man!"
Nick Fury: "Coulson, we need to talk priorities."

Doom vows revenge that will never happen, and the episode ends with Nova vowing counter-revenge. Personally, I vow to review this episode. And I did.