And yes, "One Day at Horrorland."
These books are the ones that permeated pop culture, regardless of whichever one you might say is your favorite. I always liked "How I Learned to Fly" myself, though I know that one certainly isn't representative of the series as a whole, being more of a fantasy short story than anything else.
But Slappy the Dummy is the Goosebumps monster.
The Haunted Mask is the Goosebumps artifact.
And Horrorland is the Goosebumps location.
Naturally, each of these stories were adapted for the show, as I've covered.
But a mask bonding to somebody's face is a trivial makeup job, and making a puppet look like it's actually a living thing was perfected ages ago by the Jim Henson Workshop.
Creating a demented theme park occupied by monsters? Well, we'll see if Canadian TV has the budget for that.The episode opens with a family sitting in their car at a random beach. This is the Morris family, and they're lost.
|Here's hoping they haven't used up the majority of their budget on this season's "Awesome Ants."|
Mr. Morris: "No, we're not lost."
That's what my dad always said, too. "I'm not lost because I know how to get back to someplace I recognize."
Mrs. Morris: "Let's find a gas station and ask for directions."
Mr. Morris: "Honey. I don't do that."
Which explains why you're lost, now doesn't it?
Mrs. Morris (Kirsten Bishop) allows her husband, the lovechild of Will Ferrell and David Hasslehoff (Jonathan Whittaker), to screw around with a map while their kids, Lizzy (Heather Brown) and Luke (Michael Caloz) do what all kids do on trips like this. Complain. They're hungry, tired, hot, and all that other stuff that kids whine about.
Luke: "Are we there yet?"
Luke: "Are we there yet?"
Yeah, just like that.
Mr. Morris: "Luke."
|"I am your father."|
Which is why I always asked "Are we almost there?" That's how you play the game, kids.
Lizzy: "It's boiling back here."
Mrs. Morris: "Well, if your father would have had the car fixed, we might have air conditioning that worked."
Why do I get the feeling that they only took this trip in an attempt to rekindle their rocky marriage?
If there isn't even a road, then how do you know you're in the right spot? Did the map say to follow a dirt trail to an abandoned beach?
Lizzie: "It's probably one of those zoos where all they have is sheep anyway."
Mrs. Morris: "Would you please ask for
|Sheep are boring. Give me a goat any day.|
Mr. Morris: "It should be right here on the map."
Okay, so let me get this straight. Not only is Zoo Gardens not where it should be on the Earth, it's not where it should be on the map? Are you under the impression that you're some kind of reality warper who can change the topography around you with but a thought? Did you just drive in a random direction, thinking that you could just arrive at a random place, say "Alakazam!" and have a zoo materialize?
Mrs. Morris: "Let's find a gas station."
Mr. Morris: "A gas station? I don't even see a road!"
Then... how did you get here? Did you drive across an empty field? And while we're at it, Mr. Morris, what is your plan? You don't want to turn around, but you admit that you're at a dead end.
|"If I wait long enough, maybe they'll end up building a zoo here eventually! Then we'll go to that zoo!"|
Lizzy: "You guys, don't start arguing."
Yep, this is one marriage on the rocks. And that's not getting into the all-out verbal abuse going on in the original book.
Luke: "I wanna see Zoo Gardens! You promised."
Mr. Morris: "You're right. You're right. We did promise. And your mother and I are not gonna let you two kids down."
|"By God, we're getting out of this car right now and petting the nearest wildlife we see!"|
Mr. Morris puts the car in gear and tries to find the main road. But as they ease on down the road, they find a barrage of fireballs about to hit their car instead.
|Mario's gone nuts!|
|I didn't think the Antichrist would look so... rubber-faced.|
|So... I guess we're ignoring that vision of Hell opening up and a minion of Lucifer making himself known to mortals? 'Kay.|
And if you've actually read the book and are expecting the car to blow up, prepare to be disappointed. Also, prepare to be disappointed anyway, because that's the one thing this two-parter provides in abundance.
When they get to the ticket booth, the first thing Lizzy notices is the redundant sign.
Lizzy: "'The Horrorland Horrors welcome you to Horrorland'? What's a Horror?"
|"Well, um, Lizzy, a... um, sometimes women make money by... oh, Horror."|
The Horror working the booth pops up.
Ticket Horror: "You're our guests today. Admission is free."
If admission's free, than why are you guys even bothering with a ticket booth?
|"Rest in peace! The haunting's free! So hurry back, we would like...."|
|"One more word and we're shutting this place down."|
Ticket Horror: "Have a scary day!"
|Now that's even cuter than when R.L. Stine said it.|
Head: "Stay off the guillotine ride. Sharp turns."
Horror: "No talking. You know the rules."
With their first "scary" encounter over with, they
all head off to see the rides as the security camera follows them.
|With those eyes and ears, I keep expecting this guy to jump on a glider and throw bombs at Tobey Maguire.|
|Really? Come on, Goosebumps, spend more than a loony on your prop skulls.|
|Fear the lush greenery of Horrorland! Run in terror from its freshly mown grass!|
|Or maybe the cameraman took a sudden interest in this maple tree.|
|Run, kids! Stranger danger!|
Lizzy: "You scared him, that wasn't very nice."
Did you forget where you were, Lizzy?
Horror: "Get out! Get out!
Lizzy: "Wait! What do you mean?"
Good question. What could "Get out" possibly mean? It's a mystery!
They're a little unnerved by the random Horror, but that quickly goes away as they head over to the House of Mirrors. After some padding where the kids goof off in front of some standard funhouse mirrors, Luke runs off deeper into the maze.
I am your father.
I am your father.
I am your father.
I can keep it up as long as you can, Liz.
Luke and Lizzy end up in different mirrored rooms, which begin messing with their heads by not only making their reflections disappear, but also by showing another vision of one of Hell's denizens.
Lizzy screams at the top of her lungs, which is briefly heard by Mrs. Morris before her husband tells her not to be surprised that kids are screaming in a place called "Horrorland."
The Morrises are surprised at the lack of adults, so they check the concession stand.
Vending Horror: "Hoy there, folks! Ya look miiiiiiiiiighty thirsty."
This one talks like a pirate with a sore throat. I'm just going to roll with it.
Vending Horror: "How'd you like a nice Monster Punch?"
It's a hot day, so they order two Monster Punches. And here's where I overanalyze the humor.
The obvious punchline (no pun intended, I swear) is for the monster to punch him twice, right? "Two Monster Punches"? Well, the Horror only punches the dad once, making it look like he was giving a playful jab to the ol' boy instead of delivering a corny and predictable punchline.
Seriously, he ordered two punches. If he doesn't get hit twice, then you're doing the shtick wrong..
As the mirrored walls close in on Lizzy, the Vending Horror gets out a couple of generic cardboard cups and commemorative Jurassic Park lids.
|I mean, uh, monster-shaped lids. Yeah, that's it.|
Vending Horror: "Never heard of it."
Mr. Morris: "Well, can you tell me where the phones are?"
Vending Horror: "Phones? Ain't no phones in Horrorland!"
You're a spooky theme park, not an Amish village. What do you guys do if you have a fire? Pour monster punch on it instead of calling the fire department? Where do you guys get your vending supplies from? Cups and lids and such? Do you drive into town and buy them in bulk from a wholesaler? Do you order them over the phones you don't have?
Putting way too much thought into this, I know.
|"Man, you are...."|
The only thought going through Mrs. Morris's head is that she wants to find the kids and leave.
Vending Horror: "Kids?! You got kids?!"
Whoa, dude, chill. You're acting like the world's least subtle child predator.
Vending Horror: "Where are they? Huh? Huh?"
Hopefully, at least 500 yards away from you.
Mr. Morris says they went off on the rides, which the Vending Horror says is odd, since most parents don't let their kids out of their sight here. It's not safe, you know.
But before the House of Mirrors can squish Lizzy, she gets dropped into... I don't know, the Doctor's timeline?
|"I don't know where I am."|
Horror: "Did you enjoy the House of Mirrors? It's one of our most popular rides."
A House of Mirrors doesn't count as a ride. It's an attraction.
Lizzy isn't a fan of that experience, but Luke manages to blackmail her into it by threatening to tell her crush, Alan Markowitz, that she writes "Mrs. Lizzy Markowitz" inside her notebooks over and over.
So she agrees to go on the Coffin Cruise while her parents start worrying over the fact that they all agreed to meet up ten minutes ago.
|"Why did we spend an hour in that House of Mirrors, anyway?"|
Okay, so... that sign gives me a really weird feeling of nostalgia, like I've actually seen one of those in real life. Can anybody confirm if that sign was based off of anything, or if they made Halloween decorations that looked like that, or something? Something about that red font on a black background with a blue border seems really familiar. Like, no joke.
This is going to bug me forever.
Mr. Morris: "Honey, you're getting paranoid."
|"It says 'No Humans Allowed.' So there must not be any humans in there."|
|I've seen candy factories with scarier water rides.|
So they sneak through the lush forests of Horrorland while the Horrors follow them. When they get to the front gate, they notice a sign.
Lizzy: "'No Exit'? 'No one leaves Horrorland alive'?"
This would be a spooky and atmospheric place to end the episode... but the real ending waits until the Horrors catch up with the angry Morrises.
To be continued! In the oddest way possible.