Or is it?
Either way, I'll be taking a look at an episode that sees Dipper lying about his own age.
Or does he?
|Yes. Yes he does.|
Dipper: "Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?"
Mabel: "I believe you're a big dork!"
Grunkle Stan comes in to tell both of his employees, Soos and Wendy, that he's heading to town.
Grunkle Stan: "You two're gonna wash the bathrooms, right?"
Soos: "Yes, sir!"
Wendy: "Absolutely not."
As anyone who's ever worked at a gas station (including myself) can tell you, cleaning the bathrooms sucks. You would be amazed at just what can happen when you give random people free access to a private room where they can do who-knows-what with they're you-know-wheres. Which is why as soon as Grunkle Stan leaves, Wendy decides to leave the bathrooms for Soos and unveils a secret ladder to the roof, to the worriment of Soos. Also, I had no idea that "worriment" was a word until I just successfully used it without spellcheck yelling at me.
Anyway, Wendy leads the twins up to the roof, where she already has an umbrella, chairs, and a cooler set up.
Wendy: "I may or may not sneak up here during work all the time every day."
She also has a bucket of pine cones set up to throw at a bullseye taped onto the totem pole.
Now that I mention it, there's something up with that totem pole. Not only does it only have two parts, but the wrong character is at the top. Usually, totem poles have the Thunderbird at the top, separating the heavens and the Earth.
|Like Atlas. But a bird.|
|Like Icarus. But a bird.|
Anyway, back in the episode, Dipper misses Kolus, the beaver, and the mysteriously absent Thunderbird and hits a car instead. While Dipper is suitably worried about what he just did, Wendy thinks it's pretty awesome and holds up her hand for a high five. In that moment, Dipper... well, he's just discovered girls. And that girl is Wendy Blerble Corduroy.
No, seriously, her middle name is Blerble.
|He's gone mad with power!|
Dipper: "It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about her."
So, of course, we cut to him that night, lying awake in his bed, thinking about Wendy. Or perhaps he's pondering the futility of existence like I do at 2 AM. But probably Wendy.
Seriously, though, all matter will eventually decay into virtual nothingness, meaning that every accomplishment we ever make in our insignificant lives to distract ourselves from this fact will be erased from the universe and there's nothing we can do about it.
Anyway, back in the episode I'm recapping to postpone my own impending existential crisis, it's the next day. While Wendy and Mabel are enjoying a random dance party for no reason, Dipper is spying on Wendy by pretending to write something down.
Dipper: "Now is not the time to talk about the Lamby Dance."
Before Mabel can spill too many secrets regarding Dipper's time masquerading as an ungulate, the clock strikes six, meaning that it's quittin' time for Wendy. She starts to head off to meet with her friends, but Dipper asks if he and Mabel can tag along. But while Wendy might be irresponsible at work, she knows that you shouldn't take kids along on some of the things teenagers do. When asked, Dipper insists that he and Mabel are thirteen.
Dipper: "So, technically a teen."
While Wendy gets her stuff, Mabel tries to figure out why she and Dipper are suddenly a whole year older. Dipper tells her to play it cool so they can hang out with
|"Who's got two thumbs and short pants? This guy!"|
Robbie: "Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower."
Dipper: "Oh, you mean the big muffin!"
Robbie: "Uh, it's a giant explosion."
|A giant, lemon poppy seed explosion.|
|Mabel, I don't think you quite get how this works.|
Grunkle Stan: "Kids! I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up!"
Announcer: "Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, The Duchess Approves, starring Sturly Stembleburgiss as the Duchess, and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire."
Soon enough, the teens and twins find themselves at the condemned convenience store, the Dusk 2 Dawn. Apparently, some people died in there so they shut the place down. And rumors persist that the place is haunted.
Mabel: "This town has such a colorful history!"
They all hop the chain link fence, some easier than others, and approach the store. Dipper offers to take a crack at the locked door, setting off Robbie's sarcasm.
Wendy: "C'mon, leave him alone. He's just a little kid."
Which is the last thing Dipper wants to hear. After all, this is the woman of his dreams. He doesn't want to hear her call him a little kid, he wants her to beg to be held in his arms and also be kissed. A lot. On the face. So with a look of fierce determination, Dipper quickly heads up to the roof, climbs in the old air conditioning system, and unlocks the place from the inside, earning Robbie's ire and the nickname "Dr. Funtimes."
Once inside, they all take a look at the place. It's like a time capsule from the year 1995.
|And yes, Pizza Hut did debut stuffed-crust pizza in 1995, so this episode gets bonus points.|
As they eat ice cream on one of the shelves, Wendy tells Dipper that they haven't had this much fun in a long time. The boys are having fun being idiots, Tambry's actually looking up from her phone, and Mabel's chewing the candy paw of a giant dog.
|In her mind.|
Which is what a lot of people said about his Jason Ritter voice.
Dipper: "Yes. Yes, I am."
Careful, Dipper, or you'll be hearing from Phineas and Ferb's lawyers.
But the boys ran out of ice to shove down Thompson's pants, so Dipper goes to the freezer to find some more. What he finds is this.
|Looks like Dr. Manhattan's having a little trouble putting himself back together.|
The teens come over because they heard Dipper's scream of terror, so he distracts them by pointing out the Dancy Pants Revolution machine.
Dipper: "The game that tricks people into exercising!"
As they all watch Thompson suck at ti for a bit, Dipper starts seeing their skeletons reflected in the glass doors. A quick call at the payphone to Grunkle Stan is fruitless, seeing as how he's become irrevocably invested in the Duchess's rejection of antiquated societal norms.
Duchess: "I may be a Duchess, but I'm also a woman!"
Grunkle Stan: "Yes! Yes! In your face, Elizabeth! It's just like my life! ...in a way!"
So Dipper's in a real pickle. They're in a haunted convenience store, Grunkle Stan won't pick up, and if he warns the others, he'll look like a scared little kid. But Mabel's still quite high on Smile Dip.
Mabel: "The future! Is in the past. Onwards, Aoshima!"
|Welcome to the internet.|
Over with Robbie, he finds the chalk outlines of the dead people while scratching off some old lottery tickets. Dares to lie down in the outlines are quickly made, so Dipper tries to keep anyone from disturbing the outlines. After all, the place might actually be haunted.
Robbie: "Just take it down a notch, Captain Buzzkill."
When he loses the respect of everybody but the still-hallucinating Mabel, he lies in the chalk outline himself, which begins to glow green. The lights flicker off. Tambry gets sucked inside her phone and deposited inside the security monitor. Thompson gets sucked inside Dancy Pants Revolution. The doors lock themselves. Dipper, consulting the Journal, tells the others that ghosts always have a reason for what they do. They have a hard time taking Dipper seriously, but change their tune after Lee gets sucked into the artwork on the front of a cereal box.
Cereal Mascot: "I'm bonkers for eating you alive!"
|Like Hannibal Lecter. But a bird.|
Ghost: "Welcome to your graves, young trespassers."
The ghost tells them they can leave before pulling a j/k and turning Nate into a hot dog on the roller grill. And because we didn't have enough random floating last episode, they all end up on the ceiling as the various wares float around. Dipper and Wendy hide in a cabinet as they try to figure out exactly what they did to offend the ghost.
Dipper: "Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic. It doesn't make any sense!"
Wendy: "Yeah, I mean, those are all just normal teenage things."
But that's just it. So Dipper heads out into the chaos and reveals his secret.
Dipper: "I'm not a teenager!"
And the ghosts reveal their true forms while Dipper admits that he's only twelve. They're just the kindly old couple that ran the place, voiced by Ken Jenkins and Aprill Winchell.
|So all I hear is Bob Kelso and Pepper Ann's mom.|
Pa: "Always sassy-frassin' customers with their 'boomy-boxes' and disrespectful short pants."
When they were alive, they straight-up banned teens from their store. So in rebellion, three teenagers stayed outside and danced to their newfangled "rap music."
Ma: "The lyrics... they were so hateful."
|Whitest. Rap. Ever.|
Pa: "Do you know any funny little dances?"
Dipper: "Uhhhhhhhhhhh... is there anything else I can do?"
And with the help of a magically appearing lamb costume thanks to some supernatural whatsis, Dipper obliges, performing the song and dance.
There was actually a very minor controversy regarding this line. See, long story short, "mammy" can refer to a black housekeeper and is usually brought up in regards to "mammy sterotypes." Disney actually changed the name of the main character of The Princess and the Frog from "Maddie" to "Tiana" because people complained that "Maddie" sounded like "Mammy."
First of all, Maddie is short for Madeline, people. Second of all, Disney basically refused to acknowledge the very minor outcry against this line because... well, it's not racist. Not only is "Mammy" a nickname for "mother" that's used to this very day in a variety of English dialects, but it's only there because it rhymes with "lamby." It's like when you refer to the chink in someone's proverbial armor, you're not being anti-Chinese. Words can have more than one meaning.
So in short, screw you, racists of the world, for filling the English language with enough racial slurs that we even needed to have this conversation.
|Actually, screw you, racists, for a lot of reasons.|
|As I said earlier, that's what I do at 2 AM.|
Grunkle Stan, having watched The Duchess Approves all night, finds himself aggravated by the return of Count Lionel.
Grunkle Stan: "You had your chance at the cotillion, you!"
Film Character: "You had your chance at the cotillion, you!"
Grunkle Stan: "That's what I'm sayin'!"
And after he tosses the TV out the window in front of the kids...
Grunkle Stan: "Uh.... couldn't find the remote."
...a final cryptogram of "RZDUGV DRVKLPD!" (Onwards, Aoshma!) heralds the end of the episode. So lets review and see exactly where this episode rates on a scale of "Dr. Funtimes" to "Captain Buzzkill."