Recap: Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. "Planet Hulk, Part 2"

When last we left our heroes, Hulk took up modern dance, Red Hulk grew his mustache back, Skaar ate his own head, and A-Bomb was pregnant with She-Hulk's baby.

And if you believed all that, then you should really re-read my Recap of the first part. I don't think you were paying attention.

You may have been reading a teenage girl's fanfic.

Our two-parter resumes upon the craggy face of Ego's planetary body, shortly after the arrival of Galactus. Rick recaps the last episode for the audience and Red Hulk asks a pertinent question.

Red Hulk: "What are we doing, Greeny?!"

Couldn't agree more. I'm still firmly on the side of letting Galactus and Ego go out in a fiery explosion.

Red Hulk: "Why are we even defending that punk after he almost destroyed Earth?"
Ronan: "I have the same question, Red Hulk."

Me too.

Skaar attempts to attack Ronan's hologram for a bit, before they tell him it's not real. Ronan explains that Ego is now hooked up to an anti-matter bomb that will destroy Ego and Galactus. As I've said before, win-win. Hulk tries to remove it, but gets shocked for his troubles.

She-Hulk: "Why did you do this?"
Ronan: "Self-preservation. Galactus intended to consume my planet, the Kree homeworld. The bomb will destroy him as he feeds on Ego."
Hulk: "Yeah, but Ego goes, too."
Ronan: "The price is acceptable. By destroying Galactus, I save not only my world, but thousands more he would devour in the future."

So the guy saving a few trillion innocent lives at the expense of two non-innocent lives is the villain? What the actual Hell, writers?

Look... I'm pretty much as apolitical as you can get. I'm not trying to use this episode to spread my opinions on the Bush-Era, the Obama-Era, Osama bin Laden, or Hitler, or anything. All I see is a plan to sacrifice a single murderer to stop eternal genocide. And the designated "heroes" are content to rescue both murderer and genocider and let both go free. In the words of a very wise man...

Spock: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

Heck, even Red Hulk agrees with me in the cutaway.

Red Hulk (cutaway): "Get rid a' Galactus now and maybe save billions a' lives down the road."

"I like this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!"
"Uh, we're trying to save Ego."
"...I thought were giving the lobotomy another try."

But the writers want to have their cake and eat it, too.

Hulk: "There's another option, Ronan. The one where everybody lives."

Just this once, Rose.

And you know what else?

Ego: "Perhaps for your own self-preservation, you should abandon Ego."

And there you have it. By telling them to leave, the Hulks have no reason to stay.

Anyway, back in the plot, Ronan's hologram greets Galactus and tells him the planet is his. Firelord gives the Hulks ample warning to get off the planet, but they refuse.

Just FYI.

 The Hulks try to explain about the trap, but Firelord ends the conversation with bursts of fire.

Hulk: "You're worse than Terrax!"
Firelord: "Terrax failed my master and was melted before my cosmic flame. Just as you shall be!"

Fighting breaks out, and Firelord whips out some nova flame to injure the team.

Ego: "Do not risk your lives further for me...."

Ego offers to let them leave, but they decline. This apparently makes him so sad that he continues dying. Hulk tries to warn Firelord again, but he just laughs in Hulk's face, starting another round of fighting.

Hulk: "EVERYTHING DESERVES TO LIVE! EVEN EGO!"

Everything deserves to live, Hulk? Then why are you trying to save the biggest murderers in the universe?

Hulk knocks Firelord out, but Galactus emerges and begins to hook his feeding machine up to the planet. Again, Hulk tries to warn Galactus about the bomb, but Galactus doesn't believe him.

Galactus: "You are desperate to dissuade me, but I hunger! And will not be deceived!"

Galactus steps on the Hulks, but they survive. He laser eyes them for a bit, then goes back to his machine. Ego goes back to sulking.

Ego: "Even if Ego survives, the whole universe dislikes... fears him. What value does Ego have?"

I hate to rant again, but I'm putting my foot down.

Ego is just a big bully. And you know what? I'll concede the point that bullying isn't enough to warrant the death penalty. Not even in the Southern states. But on the scale he is, his "bullying" results in the destruction of planets. At least Galactus needs them to survive! Ego just does it for crazy 'cause. Why did Ego try to destroy Earth? Laziness? Bullying? Boredom? Doesn't matter. It's not like Ego couldn't get out of the way. He left as soon as the Hulks got to his core and threatened him. Ego is guilty of attempted genocide. And that's just the one time that we know about. And I don't believe for one second that Ronan was lying about all that Kree destruction. From what we've seen, that's exactly the sort of thing Ego would do.

Sorry, Ego. You had your chance. You blew it by committing genocide. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Ego must to be put to death, but the Hulks certainly shouldn't be working this hard to save him from a Galactus-destroying bomb.

Speaking of the Hulks, they form a plan. They use the Leader's old remote control to bring down their ship so they can sabotage Galactus' ship. To distract Galactus, Hulk runs around and taunts him while the others bring Firelord and the Leader to Galactus' ship. They get in, thanks to the scanners detecting Firelord's retinal patterns aboard the Hulks' ship.

You know, Firelord, I can think of a really easy way for you to escape. It involves fire.

In Galactus' control room, they tell Leader to get cracking. And he does, quickly working on gaining control over the big energy cannon in the ship.he brings the weapons online, including the internal ones. Great job, Agents of S.T.U.P.I.D. You just gave the Leader control over Galactus' weapons.

There are not enough facepalms on the internet for this.

He attempts to exterminate the Smashers for a bit and outlines his plan to take over Earth, etc. Galactus finally turns his feeding machine on and begins the process of consuming Ego. Hulk needs cover so he... goes up Ego's nose.

What did I do to deserve having to see this?

But alas, Ego's brain ball shall soon be dead, unless he gets reconnected. So... Why did Hulk even disconnect him in the first place?  Back on Galactus' ship, Firelord awakens and takes away the Leader's control over the ship. But before he can turn on the Agents, they show him scans of Ego that prove that he's been booby trapped.

"Well, my face must be quite red. Also, I'm pretty embarrassed."

He tries to warn Galactus, but Galactus is too hungry to listen. And over with Ego, he's too weak to fight back, even reconnected to his brain controls. So Hulk plugs himself in instead, which reshapes the whole planet into....

Oh, for the love of Mike....

"Planet Hulk."

Remember when I complained last season about how the actual Planet Hulk storyline was adapted into the "Planet Leader" two-parter? Here's our reason why. So we could have an episode where the Hulk literally turns into a planet.

Yeah, Brad Pitt. You tell Bruce Banner!

Honestly, this should at least look awesome, but he looks like a green Geodude.

He must be a shiny.

So Planet Hulk and Galactus fight. Galactus begins feeding, after a scuffle, and triggers the bomb. Luckily for Galactus and Ego, Red Hulk has Firelord shoot the feeding machine with Galactus' ship's energy cannon. And so the day is allegedly saved. Ego's headband bomb falls off, Galactus lives, and Hulk asks for directions to Earth as payment. Firelord explains his actions to Galactus, and Galactus is grateful that the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. saved him.

Galactus: "Come, my herald. The Kree will pay for this betrayal."

Hulk demands that Galactus not eat any more inhabited worlds

Galactus: "So be it."

How are you going to know if he does or not? Do you know about even half the aliens in the universe? If Galactus eats a race you've never heard of, say, the Queega. How would you know, Hulk? Galactus is probably going to keep eating inhabited worlds. Just the ones only über-fans have heard of. Like Ba-Banis, or wherever the Elan are from.

Not to mention, under the letter of the law, you've just given him permission to eat Mars. What? It's not inhabited, unless you count a single issue of Tales to Astonish back in the 60's. And Marvel's been retconning everything else.

Galactus: "For now."

Yeah, he's not even being transparent about returning to eating inhabited worlds.

A-Bomb: "'For now.' Great. Thanks, Galactus, 'cause we can't wait to see you again."

After the Hulks get back onto their ship, Ego's gigantic, poorly CGI'd face bids them farewell and shoots lasers out his eyes which point them to Earth. And thanks to the fact that Isaac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space, Ego no doubt just zapped an entire planet with lasers, somewhere out there.

...why are we supposed to be happy Ego's alive, again?

The Hulks set course for Earth, however far away it is.

A-Bomb: "I kind of hope it takes a while, just so the Leader can get comfy in his new quarters."

Said "quarters" being the bathroom. Dang it, show.

Hulk tells Rulk that they need Leader to clear their names. Before I can complain about this again, She-Hulk picks up a transmission on all frequencies.

Ronan: "The threat of Galactus lives. Saved by the earthlings known as the 'Hulks.' For this crime, I, Ronan the Accuser, judge them guilty. And place a bounty on their heads. Dead or alive."

Hulk vows to find a way home.

Hulk (cutaway): "Just because you don't understand some form of life doesn't mean it has no value."

What's not to understand about a planet that kills people and a guy that eats planets?

Hulk (cutaway): "Live and let live, I say."

Ego and Galactus certainly don't agree with you.

Hulk (cutaway): "You got a problem with that? Come and get me."

Challenging people who disagree with you to a fight? I believe that's known as the "Uwe Boll Defense."

I promise I won't use the Uwe Boll Defense if you disagree with my Review.