Recap: Ultimate Spider-Man "Guardians of the Galaxy"

Well, now it's Ultimate Spider-Man's turn to promote cross over with the Guardians of the Galaxy. What's changed? What's stayed the same? Will Drax and Gamora show up this time? Will Adam Warlock and Quasar make the cut? Tune in! This Spider-Time, this Spider-Channel!

Creative episode title, guys.

The episode opens in space! One spaceship attacks another, and we see bobbing, darting, explosions, boom boom ba-CCHCHkkchck! ...sorry.

Anyway, the ship's pilot, Tana Nile (looking much hotter than her original comic appearances) sends out an SOS, saying she probably won't make it to Rigel III. According to my Star Trek star charts, she may be able to reach Starbase 134, so things aren't looking too bad for her.

She's not looking too bad either.

But this is all rendered moot, because this was just a video game that Peter and Sam were playing. Aunt May turns it off so they can do chores.

Sam: "I don't even live here! Wait, do I?"

Good question. I'm doing this episode out of order for my Guardians of the Galaxy Week, so I don't remember if this is when the others were crashing at Peter's place. I guess not, because he leaves Peter to take the trash out himself. Peter mopes as he does this, but soon forgets about that as a raccoon comes by to eat the trash. But not just any raccoon.

Rocket: "What's your problem, hairless?"

Well, hello, Billy West! Please tell me that's not the voice you're going to be using for this character? ...it is? Oh well. Your performances as Skeets make up for this.

Anyway, he lasers Peter's self-defense rake.

Rocket: "Kom at me again kid. Aw deer yah."

Okay, let me explain. Billy West's accent hovers somewhere between Brooklyn, Austrailia, Liverpool, and Boston. It's more than a little distracting.

Peter: "Are you talking?" 
Rocket: "Better 'n yew!"

No. No, you're really not. I never thought I'd say this, but Drake Bell is giving a better voice performance than Billy "Doug/Skeets/Zoidberg/Philip J. Fry/Red M&M" West. Surely, Hell has frozen over.

He beats up Peter for calling him a "raccoon," and Sam shows up and yells at him to stop.

Peter/Rocket: "You know him?"

As it turns out, Rocket was Nova's mentor. And yes, we do get treated to an imaginary bit featuring Sam as Luke Skywalker and Rocket as Yoda.

Making the most of those Star Wars rights, huh, Disney?

Apparently, Rocket came looking for Sam because his old team needs him.

Nova: "I'll explain it to you. If I ever see you again."

He suits up and begins to teleport away, with Peter getting caught in the beam. Meanwhile, Aunt May cheers and laughs while playing Peter's video game. Wow, what a terrible person Aunt May is.

So Peter, Nova, and Rocket teleport to Rocket's ship, which is under attack by Chitauri. Spidey suits up, and unsuccessfully radioes Nick Fury, what with the fact that they're flying away from Earth at speeds well in excess of way too fast. Suddenly, the Chitauri mothership emerges from a wormhole and hails Rocket's ship.

Korvac: "I am Korvac!"

First of all, that's Groot's schtick. Second of all, Korvac is now closer to his comic incarnation: a cyborg conqueror. To each his own.

And I thought they were taking design liberties when he showed up in Avengers: EMH....

He demands Rocket's surrender, and Rocket responds with laser bursts. This means "no." They weave in and out of structures in the oddly-built warship, and this naturally freaks first-time-astronaut Peter out.

Spider-Man: "Left! Dodge! Parry! Thrust!"

Spider-Man, you are no Daffy Duck.

Though I could see how hanging out with an animal voiced by Billy West could confuse you.

But the heroes' ship gets caught in a tractor beam and is boarded by faceless troops.

Cough, Star Wars.

...cough.

Spidey and Nova argue over basically nothing, and they wipe the floor with two of the Chitauri footsoldiers before Rocket surrenders. Peter hates this plan and makes it known to the others, while also yelling at Nova for never telling him that he had a space team. We then cut to no less than three occasions that he did. Peter ignored him every time. Okay, you know what? Point for Nova.

The Chitauri escort them through some tunnels, and Rocket leads the sudden attack on their captors, leaving the three free to rescue the other Guardians of the Galaxy. They all go to escape, and they have a surprisingly coordinated plan to escape. They explain the situation to Peter.

Star-Lord: "The Chitauri run the entire galaxy."

Oh, like the Galactic Empire. But instead of a gigantic rebellion, the only freedom fighters are the Guardians of the Galaxy. Also, the Chitauri are going to take over and/or destroy Earth. If this takes place in the same universe as Avengers Assemble (which it does), and that follows the film continuity (ditto), then this will be their second or third attempt, depending on the relative timeframe of this episode and "Avengers: Impossible." But as I've said before, the MAU timeline makes no sense, so we won't dwell on that.

A hologram of Korvac heralds the arrival of Chitauri footsoldiers, and a fight breaks out. As they fight, Nova explains who these guys are. Seeing as how filming of the film began before this episode aired, the team lineup mirrors the one from the film version of the team.

Guardians! ...um, get together?

Star-Lord
"Half-human, half-alien royalty armed with his amazing element gun."

Gamora
"Widely known as the most dangerous warrior in the universe. Skilled in the use of every weapon."

Drax the Destroyer
"Loose cannon, great fighter."

Rocket Raccoon
"Imagine if Wolverine was a master strategist raccoon with a laser gun and a rocket pack."

These are all Nova's words, not mine.

Spider-Man: "Who brought the houseplant?" 
Nova: "That's Groot!" 
Spider-Man: "Sorry, did you say 'Groot'?" 
Groot: "I am Groot!" 
Spider-Man: "He is Groot."

Way to ruin the joke.

Nova doesn't know exactly what Korvac wants with Earth, saying that he's just a "crazy cosmic dictator." Spider-Man yells that they need to call the Avengers, and Star-Lord starts talking about how great Nova is.  The team retreats to regroup, and they attack a control room.

Spider-Man: "Except for the part where you think Nova's awesome, you guys and the stick are pretty cool."

Star-Lord checks the mainframe, and tells Gamora to set course for the sun to blow this thing up. Unfortunately, Korvac arrives with more troops. The heroes manage to fight them off at first, then fall back again. The plan changes to Plan B: Take out the Dark Matter Cannon pointed right at Earth.

Spider-Man: "Why Earth? We're just minding our own business!" 
Star-Lord: "You said it before, kid. Earth is home to great heroes. Heroes that are a threat to someone like Korvac. The Avengers, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, Captain Marvel, Doctor Strange, Hulk, Howard the Duck, Devil Dinosaur...."

Nova goes to take out the...  wait, what?

What?

What?

WHAT!?

I don't... I... what... Duck. Devil. Wha?

I smell burnt toast....

...moving on, Nova goes to take out the cannon alongside Spidey, and they struggle to figure out the controls, before Spidey regroups with the others to fight Korvac and Chitauri.

Groot: "I am Groot!" 
Spider-Man: "Dude! I heard you!" 
Rocket: "Aren't you listenin'? He's telling ya ta throw him!" 
Spider-Man: "Who?" 
Rocket: "Groot!"

So he throws the potted stick, and Groot does this.

He does it very well.

Groot: "I! Am! GROOT!" 
Spider-Man: "Yes, you are."

Stop ruining the joke, Spider-Man.

With enough beating, Korvac falls. Nova, meanwhile, has placed himself in front of the cannon to redirect all the energy back to the source. This succeeds, and the Guardians run to their ship to escape the explosion. They do, just in the nick of time, and find Nova floating in space. Thankfully (I guess) he's not dead, and Spider-Man learns the apparent lesson, which is that Nova is awesome.  ...Jury's still out on that one. The Guardians ask Nova to stay with them, and he says his goodbyes to to Spidey. They shake hands, and Spidey goes back home. Somehow.

The next day, he tries to explain what happened to the disbelieving Sandwich Club, and Nova shows up to make faces behind his back, having changed his mind. The whole team goes off to rendezvous with Nick Fury, and Spidey and Nova bicker.

Spider-Man: "You're not cooler than Groot." 
Nova: "Okay. You got me there."

Before the episode can end, the joke is ruined one last time.

Groot: "I am Groot." 
Spider-Man: "He is Groot."

Let's review this outing and see how things have changed between EMH and now for the Guardians. And also talk about the plot. I guess. I mean, if you like. If you don't mind or anything.