Recap: Avengers Assemble "Hulked Out Heroes"

Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. It always seems to come back to that, doesn't it? In that show, the Hulk is a bit smarter, calmer, and more experienced. This let's him act as a mentor and anchor to his team. In Avengers Assemble, he's the classic HULK SMASH Hulk. But what if you put this angrier, dumber Hulk in the same position as the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. character?

Ladies and gentlemen, we return to Avengers Assemble with "Hulked Out Heroes."

Who else wants to see a Hulked Out Batman?

The episode opens in Istanbul, Turkey, the city that’s most famous for not being Constantinople. Black Widow is taking out a base full of Advanced Idea Mechanics grunts (you know, the bad guys from Iron Man 3) alongside Nick Fury.

As it turns out, Widow hasn’t been returning Fury’s calls, so he brought her along on this mission to talk about one of her teammates. After they knock out all the goons, we cut to Hulk and Hawkeye playing some kind of first-person shooter that has a Captain America shield in the corner? What kind of Captain America videogame forgoes the shield for an Uzi?

The frustrated Hulk gets a Game Over and breaks his controller, and Hawkeye tosses him a new one.
Back with Fury and Widow, Fury gives Black Widow the generic “can we really trust a monster” spiel, and he reveals that they’ve raided the AIM base in order to steal Gamma-technology that could possibly be used to stop the Hulk, if need be.

Nick Fury: “Call me overcautious, but I think a rampaging rage monster should have an off switch. Don’t you?”

Said rage monster is meeting up with Iron Man on the roof of Avengers Tower while breaking Hawkeye’s arrows in revenge for earlier.

Iron Man: “The science may be a little over your head; just push while I test the thrusters.”

So he pushes the equipment off the tower.

Hulk: “Your instructions must’ve been ‘over my head.’”

Hulk leaps away into the night, as two shadowy figures observing get ready to “have some fun” with the Hulk alone.

Back in Not-Constantinople, Widow and Fury keep debating while fleeing AIM goons. Widow agrees to come up with a contingency plan, and flies away in her flying car. The titles roll, and I just realized how long that teaser was. 2:56. One of the longer ones. Did this episode really need so much set up? I mean, hoe many times did we cut to a new location?

Back in the episode, the shadowy figures (in actuality, bulky, red, hulkish guys called the “Blood Brothers”) ambush the solo Hulk on the rooftops of New York, knocking him into the street. The musclebound monsters throw a truck at the Hulk, which does less than you’d expect. Hawkeye shows up and makes with the arrows, and Cap and Iron Man show up to lend more back up. Iron Man ID’s the guys as former alien wrestlers, now mercenaries. One of them places a device on Hulk’s back, which zaps Hulk as he runs away. Falcon goes after the Brothers, who escape, and Iron Man takes down the Hulk with his repulsors. As the team congregates around the Hulk, the device powers up, releasing a green gas, which the Avengers breathe for a bit before Falcon gets to work on dispersing it. Hawkeye saves a random couple from random falling debris, and gets crushed by a car… before tossing it away. Falcon returns from funneling the gas into space, and we see…. Hulkeye!

We then cut to the Red Skull, in stolen Iron Man armor, and MODOK, the deformed leader of AIM, inside their airship. MODOK complains over losing the data drive that Fury and Widow stole earlier in the episode, and Skull gets contacted by the Blood Brothers, who confirm that they put the thing on the Hulk.

Widow arrives at back in old New York (which was once New Amsterdam), and heads for the tower, but JARVIS won’t let her in. Holographic Iron Hulk pops up and explains why: they’re all Hulks now, and it’s contagious, seeing as how Thor got infected when he arrived offscreen.

Hulk and the Avengers of S.M.A.S.H.

Wait, Thor’s immune to Gamma mutations; this was a plot point in Avengers: EMH, the show that Avengers Assemble is allegedly a sequel to. I guess this means that the lack of story continuity, voice continuity, sci-fi continuity, and design continuity means that this show is not a sequel to EMH, despite what the episode “Molecule Kid” would have us believe.

Rant over.

Black Widow whips out a Hazmat suit, and begins to break in. Meanwhile, the Hulk is going through the house telling everybody to stay calm. …Hey, Alanis Morissette? That's ironic.

Seriously, she's dressed like the character Hazmat.

Hulk: “Pretend everything is an egg.”

Hawkeye’s mad over the lack of pizza bagels, Falcon keeps breaking doors, Captain America’s super-hungry (despite eating all the pizza bagels), and Thor’s just mad that he lost his good looks.

Hulk: “So that’s what it’s like to live with me. I’d hate to live with me.”

Uh… you do, seeing as how this show and Agents of S.M.A.S.H. are allegedly in continuity with each other.

"Stark no like Rule 34 art of him and Captain America."

Meanwhile, Black Widow is crawling through the ducts, and meets up with Iron Hulk. All he knows is that it’s not radiation doing this, but a virus that mimics the effects of radiation. JARVIS explains that the virus is unstable, and the Avengers will soon explode, because that’s how viruses work. But before that, all the Hulks will get dumber, stronger, and angrier, as evidenced by Iron Hulk’s further degeneration.

Iron Man: “STARK SMASH!”

That can’t be good for his heart, as evidenced by his Gamma mutation in another Avengers show.

Tony stark having a heart attack. Sweet dreams tonight, kids.

Stark goes berserk and shoots up the place with his repulsor blasts, nearly killing Black Widow. Meanwhile, Hulk angrily tells the rest of the Avengers to go to their happy place, but it doesn’t seem to be working. All the Avengers begin bickering, then Thor tries to knock down the Hulk with his hammer. Wait. Only someone worthy can lift the hammer of Thor; it’s enchanted like that. So, an angry, petty, monstrous Thor who just wants to destroy stuff is worthy to hold the hammer? Whatever; Black Widow enters the room, closely followed by Iron Hulk, and it turns into a free-for-all. Hulk takes Widow and leaps to safety, and explains the virus.

Black Widow: “If we don’t cure them now…”
Hulk: “Boom. …Gamma expert, remember?”

No, Banner was the Gamma expert. …is the Hulk just a bigger, dumber Bruce Banner instead of being a separate personality? That would explain a lot. Unless otherwise stated, that's my new theory.

Fury calls up Black Widow about the contingency plan, and the Hulk takes offense before jumping away.
The Hulk-vengers keep trying to smash their way out of the tower, and Widow catches up with the Hulk in the middle of nowhere. She explains the situation, she used to see Hulk as a threat, now she doesn’t, you know the spiel.

Black Widow: “You’re the only one in control.”
Hulk: “Always in control. Have to be. Otherwise, I’d be like them.”

He continues smashing, until he uncovers a science-device.

Hulk: “Banner made it.”

…Forget what I said about my new theory. You know what? For all intents and purposes during this episode, **** continuity.

Turns out, it’s a Gamma cure. It’ll cure the Hulk-vengers, but would kill the Gamma-powered Hulk. They fly back to the tower, where they get a nice, warm welcome.

Captain America: “AVENGERS, SMASH!”

…Look, I’m going to be honest with you. There’s six minutes left, most of it is a fight scene. So I'ma skip to the end. They cure the Hulk-vengers (were you surprised?). As Widow and Hulk take a breather, they’re watched over by a floating camera. Am I suddenly watching Agents of S.M.A.S.H.? I guess not, because the camera belongs to MODOK.

Red Skull and MODOK discuss their failure briefly, and Nick Fury shows up to get debriefed by Black Widow. Instead of turning over the Gamma-siphon that cured the Avengers, but would kill the Hulk, she acts aloof and hands over the broken data drive from earlier. Hulk lets Widow keep the Gamma-siphon like Batman and the Kryptonite ring, the Avengers feel like crap, the end.

Review time!