|...that's not what I meant.|
Black Widow: “Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?”
Steve: “Trading cards?”
Black Widow: ‘They’re vintage. He’s very proud.”
Heh. What kind of loser has Captain America trading cards, right?
|Don't judge me.|
Steve: “Word is you can find the Cube.”
Bruce: “Is that the only word on me?”
Steve: “Only word I care about.”
Natasha tells Bruce and Cap that they might want to get inside as the carrier starts whirring and moving, and Bruce mentions how bad of an idea it probably is to put him in a submarine. But when they look over the side, they see propellers pointed down. Because this isn’t just any carrier. It’s a helicarrier
|Beautiful. just beautiful.|
Inside, all the various S.H.I.E.L.D. guys are at their stations, doing… stuff. You know, generic “stay at your post and monitor the thing” stuff. Probably the same stuff that Sulu and Chekov do. Maria Hill supervises everything as the helicarrier enters stealth mode, culminating in Steve handing Fury that ten bucks the bet earlier.
|"You're damn right."|
Meanwhile, Dr. Selvig cheerfully works on hooking the Tesseract up to all sorts of technology and stuff. He also tells Hawkeye that he needs an element called “iridium.”
Dr. Selvig: “It’s found in meteorites. It forms antiprotons. It’s very hard to get hold of.”
…Wow, that actually checks out. According to my research, meteorites hold higher concentrations of it than terrestrial sources, and it’s used in particle physics to produce antiprotons. Which means that using it in a super-scientific device like this is pretty plausible, as far as made-up science goes.
But Dr. Selvig isn’t looking too hot, what with the whole brainwashing thing. And I do have to give credit to how the brainwashing is handled. Hawkeye and Dr. Selvig still act like themselves, their loyalties have just changed, like in actual brainwashing.
|Although maybe you should brainwash him into showering, Loki. Jsut saying.|
Hawkeye: “I need a distraction. And an eyeball.”
Agent Coulson: “It’s a vintage set.”
Agent Sitwell gets a match on Loki’s face from a camera in Germany. So the job is given to the only guy there with experience invading Germany, Captain America. Loki is at a nice little party in Germany at the Stuttgart Museum while Hawkeye takes out the guards and breaks into some kind of sciencey place. He gets to a door that needs a retinal scan, so Loki walks up to one of the party goers and extracts his eye with a small device, which also sends a virtual image to a device on Hawkeye’s end, opening the door.
|"I'm sure those screaming and running people have nothing to do with what I'm doing."|
|See, Avengers Assemble? Dull grey. That's what iridium looks like.|
Loki: “Kneel before me.”
It takes a bit of shouting, but they eventually do kneel, which seems to please Loki greatly.
|“Alright, now who wants a hug?”|
|Pretty sure you’re thinking of the Tivolians, Loki.|
German Man: “Not to men like you.”
Loki: “There are no men like me.”
German Man: “There are always men like you.”
Loki decides to zap this guy into oblivion as an example to the others, but Cap jumps down just in the nick of time to save him.
Captain America: “You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing.”
|Well, maybe if you hadn’t punched him in the jaw so many times….|
|“It is decided! You have the silliest costume, Soldier!”|
Captain America: “Mr. Stark.”
Iron Man: “Captain.”
|Oh, come on, break the ice, guys!|
|Tell Tony about that time his dad felt you up.|
Captain America: “What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?”
Loki: “I’m not overly fond of what follows….”
Suddenly, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) bursts in. But instead of bringing the thunder, he knocks down Iron Man, grabs Loki, and flies off. Realizing that without Loki, they’ll never find the Tesseract before all Hel breaks loose, Iron Man gets ready to fly after them.
Captain America: “Stark, we need a plan of attack!”
Iron Man: “I have a plan. Attack!”
With little choice, Cap grabs a parachute and gets ready to jump after him, despite what Black Widow says.
Black Widow: “These guys come from legend; they’re basically gods.”
Captain America: “There’s only one God, ma’am. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.”
|“Yeah, I mostly just lounge around in my big white Snuggie.”|
Loki: “I missed you, too.”
Loki hypothesizes for a bit about how much dark energy Odin must have used to teleport Thor to Earth because of the broken Bifrost (neatly answering that question for the fans), and Thor gets down to brass tacks. They all thought Loki was dead. They had a funeral and everything. Thor insists that even after everything that’s happened, he and Loki are still brothers, despite that Loki claims about his true heritage. And Loki reiterates his complaints about how Odin always did like Thor better.
Loki: “I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I, who was, and should be, king!”
Really? Because I don’t remember it that way. Let’s see, what did I say in my Recap of Thor?
"Thor and Loki are cast off the side of the bridge in the ensuing explosion, but Thor is grabbed by the awakened Odin in a literal deus ex machina, with Thor likewise hanging on to Loki. Loki, enraged and anguished at not being able to prove to his father what he was willing to accomplish, lets go of Thor's hammer, falling into the abyss of space.”
Yeah. Go ahead and rewatch that scene from Thor if you don’t believe me. Loki's the one who let go. But this raises an interesting question: How is Loki doing? I’ll analyze him in-depth in my Review, but as of yet, the guy’s been pretty unbalanced. As soon as he arrived, he savagely attacked S.H.I.E.L.D. His hair’s a bit more unkempt, he savagely stabbed a man’s eye while grinning, and he’s suddenly prone to little grins and outbursts that seem more in line with Heath Ledger’s performance in The Dark Knight than Tom Hiddleston’s performance in Thor.
So when Loki talks about Thor tossing him into an abyss, is he just angry? Is he playing on Thor’s guilt? Does he actually remember it that way? Or is that how he chooses to remember it? Either way, Thor tells his brother that whatever the case, he will protect Earth. Which gives Loki an opportunity to go on about how humans like to kill each other so much.
Thor: “You think yourself above them?”
Loki: “Well, yes.”
Thor: “Than you miss the truth of ruling, brother.”
|“People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be a afraid of their people.”|
Thor: “Listen well, brother.”
Which, of course, is exactly when Iron Man smacks into Thor and carries him away.
Loki: “I’m listening.”
Iron Man and Thor crash into the forest below, and the God of Thunder sure ain’t happy about it.
Thor: “Don’t touch me again.”
Iron Man: “Then don’t take my stuff.”
Uh, your “stuff”? Tony, you’re aware of the 13th Amendment, right?
Thor: “You have no idea what you’re dealing with.”
Iron Man: “Uh, Shakespeare in the Park? Doth Mother know you wear-eth her drapes?”
This gets Thor even madder, and it’s not just because the proper phrasing would by “Dost Mother know thou wear’st her drapes?” When Iron Man crosses the line by calling Thor a tourist, Thor does what he does best and throws his mighty Mjolnir at him. As Loki watches, Iron Man blasts Thor with his repulsors, which leads Thor to counter with his lightning. It doesn’t go as planned, probably because after Ivan Vanko, Tony’s prepared to fight guys with electrical powers.
JARVIS: “Power at 400% capacity.”
Iron Man: “…how ‘bout that?”
The fight continues through the forest until Cap arrives to try and break it up. After Thor puts the hammer down right on top of Cap’s indestructible shield….
Captain America: “Are we done here?”
Loki gets taken to the helicarrier and stuck in a big glass cage designed to contain the Hulk that will drop him out of the sky if he tries anything funny.
Nick Fury: “Ant? Boot.”
Man, a one-eyed guy grounding Loki?
|"You remind me of my father."|
|"I hated my father."|
Captain America: “So, Thor, what’s his play?"
|I do love it when I get to whip this joke out.|
Thor: "Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard. And he is my brother.”
Black Widow: “He killed 80 people in two days.”
Thor: “…he’s adopted.”
Back on task, Bruce thinks that they should figure out what the iridium is for, and that’s Tony Stark’s cue to enter the room and steal the spotlight.
Tony Stark: “It’s a stabilizing agent.”
After offering Coulson a ride to Portland whenever he asks, Tony elaborates that iridium will stabilize the portal to keep it from collapsing and allow Loki’s army through. Tony goes through his usual habit of saying random stuff, peppered with ad-libs from Robert Downey Jr….
Tony Stark: “That man is playing Galaga. He thought we wouldn’t notice, but we did.”
While he runs his mouth about how Loki’s guys will need something to jumpstart the Cube’s power, he sticks a small device onto a computer while everyone’s distracted.
Agent Hill: “When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?”
Tony Stark: “Last night.”
Tony and Bruce start talking back and forth about Dr. Selvig’s possible options, and it’s quite clear that they’re going to get along famously.
Bruce: “He’d have to heat the Cube to 120 million Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.”
Tony Stark: “Unless Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunneling effect.”
Bruce: “Well, if he could do that, he could achieve heavy ion fusion at any reactor on the planet.”
Tony Stark: “Finally, someone who speaks English.”
Captain America: “Is that what just happened?”
Actually, all that technobabble makes sense. The Coulomb Barrier is the barrier that two nuclei need to overcome to undergo fusion. But if Selvig can overcome it without ungodly amounts of heat, then he just invented cold fusion.
|Seriously, this technobabble is amazingly plausible.|
Again, this checks out. Antielectrons make gamma rays when they collide.
Tony Stark: “And I’m a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage-monster.”
|“Enough of a fan to help me get a sequel to The Incredible Hulk?"|
|"No, I cameoed in the post-credits scene. That's all you're getting out of me."|
|"Then... can I cameo in Iron Man 3?"|
Nick Fury: “And I’d like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys.”
Thor: “Monkeys? I do not understand.”
Captain America: “I do! …I understood that reference.”
Congratulations, Cap. You’re one-fer.
And as one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents goes back to playing Galaga…
|He thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.|
Bruce: “Thanks, but the last time I was in New York, I kind of broke… Harlem.”
|“Really? Huh. I wonder why nobody but you seems to remember that.”|
“It was in The Incredible Hulk.”
“That would do it.”
Captain America: “Are you nuts?”
Tony Stark: “Jury’s out. You really have got a lid on it, haven’t you? What’s your secret? Mellow jazz, bongo drums, huge bag of weed?”
Captain America: “Is everything a joke to you?”
Tony Stark: “Funny things are.”
Cap isn’t too thrilled with Tony’s cavalier way of handling Bruce Banner, but Tony responds by grabbing one of his stashes of food and changing the subject.
This is one of my favorite bits of trivia regarding this movie. Apparently, Robert Downey Jr. was a little upset that he wouldn’t have a chance to eat while they were shooting this scene. So he simply hid snack stashes all around the set so he could eat them on camera.
As Tony starts munching on his blueberries, he asks Cap what changed. Why is Fury only bringing them in now that everything’s out of control? Tony’s not too sure that Nick Fury’s telling them everything.
Tony Stark: “His secrets have secrets.”
|“That’s why his eyepatch is so big. It's full of secrets.”|
|This earns him a blueberry.|
Tony Stark: “Blueberry?”
|"Have one. On me."|
|"No thanks. I prefer strawberries."|
|Berries. Pick a side.|
There’s actually a nice moment as Tony opens up to Bruce about the shrapnel inching closer to his heart day by day, drawing a similarity between the two. After all, they both know that one day, without warning, something could just go wrong and spell doom for them. And even though their methods are different, they both have something in place to keep the problem at bay. Tony’s chest reactor and Bruce’s secret. And Tony tries to change Bruce’s perspective. After all, that much Gamma should have killed him. Meaning that the
Bruce: “Saved it for what?”
Tony Stark: “I guess we’ll find out.”
Bruce: “You may not enjoy that.”
Tony Stark: “And you just might.”
Speaking of finding out, Cap breaks into a secure storage area while Dr. Selvig and his contraption are taken somewhere on a truck. And on the helicarrier, Coulson is explaining to Thor (and the audience) that Jane Foster was taken to a secure location under the guise of hiring her for a job. They talk about Erik, and this gets Thor a bit melancholy as he thinks about the true price of him and Loki being on Earth.
Thor: “We pretend on Asgard that we’re more advanced, but we come here, battling like bilgesnipe.”
Agent Coulson: “Like what?”
Thor: “Bilgesnipe. You know, huge, scaly, big antlers.”
|Asgardian Sign Language is awesome.|
Agent Coulson: “Don’t think so.”
Fury comes up and asks if Thor can do what’s necessary when the time comes.
Thor: “Loki is a prisoner.”
Nick Fury: “Then why do I feel like he’s the only person on this boat that wants to be here?”
Speaking of him, Black Widow has decided to pay him a visit. She wants to know what happened to Hawkeye and what the overall goal for him is when all is said and done.
Loki: “Is this love, Agent Romanoff?”
Black Widow: “Love is for children. I owe him a debt.”
At his urging, she tells him the story about how she worked for the other side long ago. Hawkeye was sent to kill her.
Black Widow: “He made a different call.”
She goes on about the red in her ledger, the vaguely bad things she did, until finally, Loki says the words to break her.
Loki: “Can you wipe out that much red? Dreykov’s daughter? Sao Paulo? The hospital fire? Barton told me everything.”
He goes on to tell her that saving one man will never redeem her for all that she did while Tony, Bruce, and Cap find their own answers.
Loki: “I won’t touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear. And then he’ll wake just long enough to see his good work. And when he screams, I’ll split his skull. This is my bargain, you mewling quim.”
And this is why I disagree with the Loki apologists.
The most common arguments I see are that Loki himself is brainwashed by his own spear to serve the Chitauri, or that all he wants is attention. This goes beyond any cry for attention. And the horrors he’s talking about aren’t necessary to carry out the will of his alien allies. For no purpose but his own amusement, he just told a woman with the greatest sincerity that he would make her best friend kill her in the most horrifying possible way before going on to split open his skull. Then he topped it off by calling her a whiny c*nt in a way that would get past the censors.
Yeah. Sorry. Loki just waltzed straight into villain territory and started digging himself as deep as he could go.
Black Widow: “You’re a monster.”
Loki: “Oh, no. You brought the monster.”
But in the same way that Natasha pretended to be vulnerable to get information out of that Russian General….
Black Widow: “So. Banner. That’s your play.”
She turns off the wetworks and radios the others to keep Banner in the lab, because Loki wants to use the Hulk against the others.
|Just like in the first issue of The Avengers in 1963.|
Tony Stark: “What is ‘Phase 2’?”
|“Iron Man 3 through Ant-Man.”|
“Really? We’re ending with Ant-Man? Kind of an anti-climax.”
S.H.I.E.L.D has been making weapons.
See above. Also, Tony’s kind of an ass.
He doesn’t like that Cap and Tony discovered they we remaking weapons.
She thinks that Bruce is being manipulated by Loki.
He thinks that Black Widow is trying to manipulate him. Also, the weapons thing.
Not only is it S.H.I.E.L.D.’s work with the Tesseract that started all this in motion, buy Fury says that the Asgardian presence is what led S.H.I.E.L.D. to work with the Tesseract in the first place.
Nick Fury: “We learned that not only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly, hilariously, outgunned.”
They all start arguing and fighting, with everybody getting a few good jabs in while the camera hints that perhaps an external force is drawing these issues out into the open….
|Also, that distinctive humming sound's a bit of a giveaway.|
Steve: “Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?”
Naked, according to George Costanza.
Tony Stark: “Genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist.”
|Also Sherlock Holmes.|
Bruce: “I got low. I didn’t see any end, so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out.”
Interesting. He’s actually referring to a deleted scene that featured Ed Norton as Bruce Banner.
And once Bruce promises to show them all what his secret way of staying calm is, everybody freaks out over the fact that he’s suddenly holding Loki’s spear.
|"Huh. How 'bout that."|
As Hawkeye leads a strike team to bust out Loki, Tony suits up and Bruce loses control. So finally, 74 minutes in, he Hulks out. Which is about what it felt like in Hulk. Natasha’s counseling does nothing as an expanding Bruce Banner rushes off into the depths of the helicarrier. When Natasha gets her leg free, she runs off. But the Hulk, scared and angry, isn’t far behind. Probably because he’s upset at the woman who led him to the helicarrier.
|Or maybe he's just playing a violent game of peek-a-boo.|
After Fury has to deal with some dang S.H.I.E.L.D. agents dependent on technology….
Agent: “Navigation’s recalibrating after the engine failure.”
Nick Fury: “Is the sun coming up?”
Agent: “…yes, sir.”
Nick Fury: “Then put it on the left.”
If one more turbine breaks, they fall out of the sky, and Fury would prefer if that happened over water.
Cap and Iron Man start trying to get the prop spinning, with Cap pressing buttons and Iron Man doing the heavy lifting while the Hulk continues to chase Black Widow until Thor decides to smack him around before he can hurt her.
|Hulk vs. an ultimate warrior. How is this not a WWE fight?|
Hawkeye manages to shut down another engine and heads for Loki’s cell, so Black Widow heads after him. Thor gets there first as Loki emerges from his cell… but he runs straight through the image of Loki, gertting trapped himself.
Loki: “Are you ever not going to fall for that?”
Meanwhile, Hawkeye and Black Widow have themselves a fight as Thor tries to break out. Before Loki can manually drop the holding cell, the reinforcements arrive. With a big ol’ gun that fans have nicknamed “the Thorbuster.”
Agent Coulson: “You like this? We started working on the prototype after you sent the Destroyer. Even I don’t know what it does.”
But before we can find out, Agent Coulson gets attacked from behind by the real Loki.
|I'd elaborate on this, but I already posted a whole article on his death.|
Loki: “Your heroes are scattered. Your floating fortress falls from the sky. Where is my disadvantage?”
Agent Coulson: “You lack conviction.”
Loki: “I don’t think I’m….”
When Loki steps closer, Coulson interrupts him.
|He makes an eloquent argument.|
And so, in the end, Coulson wins. Not by surviving. Or fighting. In the end, Coulson’s gun may have only barely hurt Loki... but he managed to trick the trickster.
Having been forced to grab onto a cable to avoid falling off of the helicarrier, Cap manages to pull himself back up to where he needs to be. With help from Cap’s ability to pull levers, Iron Man manages to get the rotor spinning again, although it’s a bit painful for him when the rotor smacks into him a few times.
While Loki escapes the scene, Fury rushes over to Agent Coulson.
Agent Coulson: “I’m clocking out here.”
Nick Fury: “Not an option.”
|“Coulson, you do not want to know the horrific lengths I’m willing to go to in order to keep you alive.”|
The last word never comes.
Coming up in Part 3. Things probably start looking up. After all, they can’t possibly get any worse.